


The Ikaris

by JimmyWolk



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Maybe not dead but in a deep deep coma, Original Character(s), Romance?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28935921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JimmyWolk/pseuds/JimmyWolk
Summary: After getting drunk at a party after the 12th Angel, Shinji and Asuka wake up... married! This could get messy...
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Souryuu Asuka Langley
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	1. Married...

**Author's Note:**

> **AO3 release notes:**  
>  So it's come to this one. Originally starting Jul 15, 2003, it kinda was the one that "put me on the map" - to my own surprise, as I only intended it as a nonsensical idea dump. I guess partially due to the - then - fresh premise (in the eva fandom, I obviously didn't event the "waking up married" stick)?  
> It's also still very much unfinished. So if you are one of the existing readers, sorry, no more chapters here than elsewhere, I'm afraid.
> 
> Not sure if need to give a warning for the cringey disclaimers / author's notes this time, since entire thing is kinda like that. But plenty of people enjoyed it either way, so maybe you will too?

Disclaimer - Author: "Yes, I own it! It's mine, yep! I'm also a green elephant and live on the moon. Why you're asking?"  
Jimmy Wolk: "Nah, he's just kidding. He's an ORANGE elephant!"  
  
  
  
**The Ikaris  
  
Chapter 1: Married...  
**  
  
  
It was a beautiful morning in Neo Tokyo 3. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the bees were... well, you know about the flowers and the bees...  
That beautiful morning, Shinji Ikari awoke with a serious headache.  
  
' _Oww! Damn Misato and her parties,_ ' he thought groggily. ' _Damn whoever came up with the idea to raid her beer supply after she passed out..._ '  
  
"Morning..."  
  
"Hmm... Morning"  
  
' _MORNING?!?_ ' His eyes shot open in an instant, the headache quickly forgotten. Slowly he turned his head around, facing a certain red-haired roommate more or less mirroring his movement.  
  
"AAAHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" both screamed in panic, as they simultaneously bolted up and jumped apart, pointing at each other.  
  
"B-but this is my room!" Shinji protested.  
  
"Oh yeah? I bet you hentai waited till I was drunk to drag me here!"  
  
"Ah... eh... well... at least we still have our clothes on, so we didn t... well... eh," Shinji stammered.  
  
Bad idea. Suggesting something like THAT is probably the last thing you should do in front of a fuming Asuka.  
  
In less than a second her fist made contact with his face. But in addition to the usual impact; the struck boy felt something else... something scratching...  
  
"Ouch! Hey, since when do you wear rings?" he whined.  
  
"Huh? What do you mean?" she asked perplexed, before checking her hand and indeed, there was a plain, sliver ring on her finger. "Now, that is weird. But I... eh..." she trailed off, as she pointed with widened eyes at Shinji.  
  
"Hm? What?" He looked at the hand he was holding his face with. There was an awful similar ring on it. They exchanged a fearful glance.  
  
"No way..."  
  
But they didn't fail to notice a piece of paper on the desk.  
  
A piece of paper, that looked amazingly similar to a marriage certificate, issued to Mr. Shinji & Mrs. Asuka Langley Ikari.  
  
Yes, it was a beautiful morning in Neo Tokyo 3. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the screams emitting from the Katsuragi residence were louder than ever...  
  
  
  
*********************  
  
  
  
' _Hmm, that's definitively not the reaction, I've expected..._ ' Shinji thought, watching his guardian and superior Misato Katsuragi laughing her lungs out, after they've told her their story, at least as far as they could remember (which wasn't much).  
  
"Well, that story almost made up for the loss of all of my precious beer," she chuckled, wiping a tear away, that she'd wept cause of her laughing.  
  
"Ha Ha! Veeery funny!" Asuka grumbled.  
  
"Oh, you don't think so, _Mrs. Ikari_?" Misato teased.  
  
"Don't you DARE call me that!" She jumped up so fast, that she caused the chair, she'd been sitting on to fall, while Shinji next to her flinched by her sudden outburst. "This 'wedding' can't be legal! What kind of law would allow two drunken teenagers to marry? I bet this is just a cruel joke of yours!"  
  
"Oh, I'm afraid, I have to disappoint you," Misato just grinned unimpressed at the raging redhead, before taking a deep breath. "Due to the death of half of the humanity after Second Impact, most countries declared a lot of laws to encourage family development and thus a raise in birthrates. That included the decrease of contraceptives, as well as extremely loosened wedding conditions."  
  
"What? I've never heard of such nonsense!"  
  
"Well, many countries have dropped them later," the Major shrugged. "However, Japan was not one of them."  
  
"Arrgh! Of all countries, I have to work in the Las Vegas of Asia! Fine, if this can't be undone, we're getting divorced as soon as possible!"  
  
"Uh, I don't think it will be that easy. You see, in addition, they decided to keep the number of divorces as low as possible by setting up an extreme amount of bureaucracy and conditions. You'll have to go to a marriage counseling, for example."  
  
"Um, Misato, how come you know that much about this?" Shinji asked, nervous about the whole situation.  
  
For the first time since they sat down at the kitchen table, Misato's grin dropped and she slightly turned red. "Well, let's say, I've barley evaded being Mrs. Kaji by now..."  
  
"As if you would mind!" Asuka glared at her, before she punched Shinji's arm. "And you baka: get up! We're getting divorced right now!"  
  
"B-but, haven't you listened?" he mumbled, rubbing the aching spot, where she hit him.  
  
"Baka! We're going to someone powerful enough to compel a special condition from the government. I won't stand being married to you a whole day!" she declared emphatically.  
  
"Eh... who?"  
  
"The Commander, of course!"  
  
"F-father?" he managed to stammer, as he was already grabbed by his wrist and dragged out of the room. ' _This day is getting better every second...'_  
  
  
  
*********************  
  
  
  
"Denied!" The simple statement echoed through the big, dark office.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You have a problem with that, pilot Sor... Ikari?" Commander Gendo Ikari struggled hard to maintain his trademarked 'cold-hearted-bastard-behavior' instead of rolling laughing on the floor.  
  
The Second Children obviously cringed at being addressed by that name, but didn't dare to yell at the Commander of NERV.  
  
"To be honest: Yes, I have!" she replied; the eyes twitching, the clenched fists trembling .  
  
"That's none of my concern..."  
  
Asuka turned to her involuntary husband. "Geez, baka, you're his son! Say something, already!"  
  
"Eh... well... you know, you're his daughter-in-law now yourself..."  
  
Wrong answer -> Fist/Face-connection.  
  
The older Ikari cleared his throat. "As I said, since this won't affect your piloting, NERV's superiority will not be involved in such an insignificant matter. You will handle this... situation in the traditional way. You are dismissed."  
  
"Yes, Sir," came one mumbled and one peeved answer.  
  
Once the door was slammed shut, Fuyutsuki finally spoke up. "You think that was wise, Ikari?"  
  
"Yui always wanted a big family," the Commander shrugged. "And knowing my son, he won't getting closer to that than now..."  
  
  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, there it is: A short little, introduction to my third project. Originally, I planned this as a one-shot, most likely set after a prevented/failed TI, but I got curious to see what it would be like during the series. So I've decided to mix it with some other ideas I had and make it a continuation. Maybe I will still do the one-shot-version, as well. I'm not sure, if I'm going through the entire rest of the series, since I'm doing that with 'The 2nd try' already. And as I said, I will focus on that first, since I've planned it out more, so it could take a while before there will be the next chapter of 'The Ikaris'. Until then, see ya...
> 
>  ** _Revise Notes:_**  
>  Okay, maybe these notes aren't really necessary, since there aren't that many changes. As in my previous revises, I was too lazy to add more than a few small lines here and there (Come on; do you really want me to write on a revise for several days, when I could use the time to write new chapters? Thought so...). Thanks to Seranov (who was my only (p)re-reader who send me some changes for this *glares at the others*), I hope the majority of the grammar/spelling is fixed by now. If not... *shrugs* whatever...


	2. Law & Order... & that little video-thingy

**The Ikaris  
  
Chapter 2: Law & Order... & that little video-thingy**  
  
  
  
Hiroya Matsura felt uneasy, as usual, when it came to this. To be exact, this was what he hated most at his now, almost five years, in his job as lawyer.  
Divorces always told a sad story of shattered trust, misunderstanding and/or misinterpreted feelings of which they thought it was love.  
It was even worse for the children, if the couple had some.  
  
Yet, he didn't know what it was like, if the children **were** the couple.  
  
"So," he began, looking in his file about the two teenagers, who were sitting in front of his desk, "Mr. and Mrs. Ikari..."  
  
"Soryu!" the red-haired girl interrupted, who had obviously lost her calm a long time ago.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"The name is Soryu!"  
  
Perplexed, he glanced back at the folder. "Oh, I guess they gave me the wrong dossier then."  
  
"N-no," the boy stuttered. He seemed to be the exact opposite of the furious girl; barley looking up to him and even less to her; nervous, as if he was to be executed. "I am Shinji Ikari."  
  
"Then...?"  
  
"There's no way I'll take HIS name!"  
  
"Oh, but the file says, you have, Mrs. Ik-"  
  
"Don't say it!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Alright, alright!" Hiroya sighed. ' _No wonder, the boy is like this with such a wife._ '  
"How long have you two been married anyway?"  
  
"L-last night..." the young Mr. Ikari mumbled.  
  
Startled again, the lawyer took another glance at the file. The boy was right. ' _Whoever write these is surely fast._ '  
"So I guess it wasn't a very fulfilling marriage?" he asked.  
  
"Well, you see, we..."  
  
"He got me drunk!" the girl cut him off.  
  
"I DID NOT!" the other teen blurted, before he regained his sheepish attitude. "I... I mean, at least I don't think so..."  
  
"See? He's always like that! How could anyone stand him?"  
  
"S-sorry."  
  
Hiroya shifted his gaze between the two as their argument went on.  
  
"You're sure, you've not been married longer?" he interrupted. "Judging by your behavior, you're just like a couple that is married for years..."  
  
He immediately regretted his joke, as he was encountered by the death glare of the redhead.  
  
"Uh, okay, let's get this settled..." He nervously flipped the pages of the dossier, without really searching for something. Finally, he regained his professional attitude, cleared his throat and folded his hands. "Am I right, that the two of you agree on this divorce?"  
  
"He'd better!" Mrs. Ikari (or was it Soryu?) glared at her husband.  
  
The boy just nodded.  
  
"Good, that means we can speed things up a bit. Next, we'll need Application D-14 after §UW-36, three layers of the IHM-73 statement; green and yellow paragraph, permit A-38..." he trailed off as he saw two blank faces watching him, "...eh, tell you what, I'll skip that part. It will go much faster anyway, if I take care of as much of the red tape as possible." And his instincts told him, that he would save a lot of his own nerves, the sooner he got rid of them.  
"However," he sighed, "As part of the 'Family Forcing Declaration' of 2002, you will have to attended marriage councils; the number of these will depend on how fast you can convince the counselor that your marriage is not to be saved. The minimum amount is three. I will accompany you in the function of a notary. Any further questions?"  
  
The young Mrs. Ikari/Soryu/Whatever pressed her nails into the armrests of her chair. "How long?" she asked coldly.  
  
"Well, as I said; it depends. A few months, at least..."  
  
"Months? I have to stay married to HIM for MONTHS??"  
  
Hiroya said a last goodbye to the armrests and his eardrums.  
  
  
  
*********************  
  
  
  
"Well, if it isn't the Ikaris. Welcome home, to your little family residence," a way too cheerful Major greeted them as they arrived back to the apartment. Apparently unnoticed by her, one of Asuka's shoes flew by, missing her smiling face only by a few inches.  
  
"SHUT UP, MISATO!"  
  
"Oooh, so touchy. But I can understand. Divorces aren't much fun."  
  
"Ah, Misato, how come you're in such a good mood?" Shinji feebly tried to intervene, before the next world war would break loose in this apartment.  
  
"Oh, you see, PenPen here," she slumped down and patted the distracted bird on it's head, "had saved some beer from your engagement ceremony."  
  
"Oh, please..." Asuka rolled her eyes.  
  
Misato didn't listen, instead, she kept on ruffling the head of her, at least for now, beloved pet. "Yes, you're a good penguin, aren't you?"  
  
"WARK!"  
  
"Hey, no need to be offensive! Your name wasn't on these cans!"  
  
"Wark!"  
  
"Beak marks don't count!"  
  
Soon lost in the 'conversation', she forgot about the two teenagers, who sweat dropped as they saw their guardian and commanding officer talking to a penguin.  
  
Asuka leaned over to her unwanted husband. "Are you or me going to tell her that she isn't able to understand a thing he says?"  
  
Shinji gave a small nod. "You're right. He isn't even talking about the beer..."  
  
Her jaw dropped. Was everyone but her going crazy? But on the other hand, Shinji was always...  
Wait a moment, she was still mad at Shinji!  
Just as she was about to yell at him once more, the doorbell rang and he, being dutiful as usual, went to get it.  
  
About a minute later he came back, carrying a semi-flat package in both hands, his face bright red.  
  
"Who was it?" Misato asked, her attention obviously shifted again from the thankful bird to the married couple.  
  
"A... a delivery boy..."  
  
"And what was it that he delivered?" the redhead growled.  
  
"A... a package..."  
  
Seeing two pairs of impatient human and one pair of questioning penguin eyes on him, he quickly continued. "...f-for t-the Ikaris..."  
  
"What? Give me that!" Asuka exclaimed as she tried to grasp it out of his hands.  
Unfortunately for her, a certain grinning Major was faster.  
  
"Misato!"  
  
"Let's see, what we've got here..." Despite the protest of the Children, she ripped the packet open on the run, while evading the redhead's attempts to 'secure' it seemingly fleet-footed. "Uuh, it's from 'The Little Tokyo-3 24/7 Wedding Chapel'," Misato began to read the attached letter, inwardly laughing at Asuka's futile attempts to stop her.  
" 'Dear Mr. and Mrs. Ikari, we have noticed that you forgot the video of your blissful...' uuhh, blissful? '...wedding, that was part of our 'Wed'n'Go'-service you chose. Thus, herewith, we send it to you. We hope you enjoy your marriage.  
We would be glad, if we can offer our services to you again...' "  
  
"V-video?" a beet red Shinji stuttered.  
  
*Thud*  
  
"Ouch!" Asuka fell on backwards on the floor, after hitting the wall, when Misato evaded her last forceful thrust to reclaim the dreaded package.  
  
"VIDEO TIME!" the tipsy woman declared, as she hold up the outdated VHS tape and made a run for the TV.  
  
Holding her head, the Second Children slowly regained her senses and forced herself up. "Hey, wait! NO!"  
  
"Misato, I don't think we should..." Shinji tried to stop the inevitable.  
  
Too late.  
  
The Major had already put the tape in the old-fashioned VCR, pressed play, and placed herself protectively in front of it. Apparently unnecessary, since, may it have been the fear of what to come or plain curiosity, neither of the teens nor the ignored penguin tried to interrupt this time.  
The video- and audio quality of the tape was - as to be expected - extremely poor, but it was possible to identify two, obviously very drunk EVA-pilots and a seemingly nervous minister.  
 ** _Asuka was saying something to him, gesturing at her and then at Shinji.  
  
"Ah... eh... okay. Ehem, so, do you Asuka Langley Soryu take this Shinji Ikari to be your beloved husband, in good and bad times, in rich and poor till..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I'll do. Come un, I've nod all time, y'know?"_**  
  
"Uagh! I can't believe I've said that!" Asuka grimaced, sitting close enough in front of the TV that she blocked most of the view. Directly next to her sat Misato, sipping on a beer, which she had seemingly pulled out of nowhere.  
  
"Well, you obviously did," she teased.  
  
"Em... Do we really have to watch this? I mean..." Shinji shyly tried to eye the screen from above.  
  
PenPen was just watching the strange behavior of his three roomates. "Wark?"  
  
 ** _"Eh... well then, do you Shinji Ikari take this Asuka Langley Soryu to be your beloved wife, in good and bad times, rich and poor, till death part you?"  
  
"Weee... Yes!" Shinji grinned at Asuka. "Ha! Se..." _**The rest wasn't understandable.  
  
"I should kill him for that!" Asuka's eye began to twitch.  
  
"You shouldn't do that. Being his wife, you'd be a main suspect, who just wanted his heritage."  
  
"I don't have that much, just my SDAT and my cello..."  
  
"Wark..."  
  
 ** _The minister continued. "So, I declare you to be Husband and Wife. You may now kiss the bride."_**  
  
Four pairs of eyes widened in an instant.  
  
"OH NO, HE WON'T!"  
  
 ** _They looked at each other..._**  
  
"I think he will..."  
  
 ** _Some words were exchanged..._**  
  
"Could I actually have...?"  
  
 ** _They leaned forward..._**  
  
"Waaark!"  
  
 ** _They closed their eyes..._**  
  
"NOOO!"  
  
"Aaawww..."  
  
*Gulp*  
  
"Wa-hark!"  
  
 ** _KISS!_**  
  
Asuka was furious.  
  
Misato was chirpy.  
  
Shinji was growing stiff from embarrassment and fear.  
  
PenPen was hungry.  
  
 ** _Pretty long kiss..._**  
  
"I would say you liked it, Asuka!" Misato broke the silence.  
  
"Can't you see?!? I'm struggling against that pervert!"  
  
"It looks more to me, as if your were clamping on to him..."  
  
"I'M NOT!!"  
  
Meanwhile, PenPen continued to peck Shinji, who still just stared at the screen, not blinking, not moving.  
  
' _Humans..._ '  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Guys, you're killin' me! ~50 reviews for one chapter of what I considered to become my idea-dumping ground. *sigh*  
> You know what that means? Fans lead to Hype. Hype leads to over exaggeration. Over exaggeration leads to disappointment. Disappointment leads to blaming the Author. Blaming the Author leads to his self depression...  
> Oh, what the heck am I saying? Thank you very much!  
> But, I'll be fair with you and me: As I said before, I'm going to mix this (at least to some extend) with the actual storyline, as well with some, not necessary very good, fitting or innovative ideas. Even though I'll try my best to adept these, I can already hear the voice demanding my death as author for the 'ending'. Why 'ending' and not ending? Well, unlike the One Shot-version (which most likely will come afterwards), I'm not going to finish this. How's that something good, you ask? Oh, don't worry. Once I've finished the 'main storyline' I will add a chapter whenever I can think of a new one. In other words: This will be a never-ending fic!  
> Another warning... oh, how to say this... you see, I haven't placed the genre as GENERAL/Humor for nothing. What I'm trying to say is, thanks to the fusion, the Humor may drop in some parts...  
> Hey...  
> HEY, WAIT!  
> I'm not saying it'll vanish; there'll simply be some up'n'downs here and there. This wont be as bad as the show itself, or even turn into a darkfic or something...  
>   
> Hello?  
>   
>   
> Hello...?  
>   
>   
>   
> is there anyone left...?  
>   
>   
>   
>   
> Well, you better are, I've still got to do the actual A/N for this chapter.  
> Yes, it is short; yes, it could be more descriptive. After my pre-readers (finally) send me their replies, I've tried to add a bit, yet, knowing me, I've made things worse than they were. But in the end, that's for you to decide (If you want to compare, the unedited version can be found on my site).  
> And for the video, that was actually intended to show only a glimpse of the wedding. More of that will come with later chapters. *grin*  
>   
>   
> Ah, before I forget: Thanks to my pre-readers Seranov, Divine Chaos, Foxboy, dennisud and Lord Deathscythe.  
> I've never expected so many people not being able to open .rar-files...
> 
>  **AO3 release notes:**  
>  As said, those were the original notes, so before anyone thinks I'm delirious and imagined "50 reviews", that was obviously related to the original ff.net release. ;P


	3. Back to School

**The Ikaris**  
  
 **Chapter 3: Back to School**  
  
  
  
No matter how much happened or how unusual the events had been, even the weirdest days would find its end...  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  
  
...and a new morning would break over Tokyo-3 with the lovely waking sounds echoing from the Katsuragi residence.  
  
"Can't you enjoy your morning-beer a bit quieter?" Asuka mumbled, as she shuffled yawning and still clad in her sleeping clothes into the kitchen, where Misato sat at the table, sipping on her beer can, while Shinji was currently busy fixing breakfast.  
  
An awkward glance was exchanged by the married couple, before they quickly resumed their view.  
  
Yet, not fast enough to escape the eyes of the tease-trained Major.  
  
"What?" she asked. "No:  
'Good Morning, Honey!'  
'Morning, Darling! Hmm, smells good!' "  
She emphasized each part by turning around and mimicking their voices.  
" 'Only the best for my sweetheart!'  
'Oh, that's sooo nice of you, sweetie!' "  
  
Asuka narrowed her already half-closed eyes even more. "You're lucky, that I'm too tired to kill you..."  
  
"Oh? How come? You're usually even finished in the bathroom by now."  
  
"Don't ask. I had..." Asuka frowned at Shinji, who tried as best as he could to concentrate on making breakfast. "...nightmares..."  
  
"Well, you better get fully awake soon. Remember, you have school today," Misato reminded.  
  
It is said, that caffeine-containing drinks, preferable coffee, can blow tiredness away in no time.  
Some people just need a splash of water on their face.  
Romantics say that there is no better way to travel from the realm of dreams to the land of reality, than a kiss from your love. (Not-so-romantics would recommend something beyond that, but we won't delve into that here...)  
Others need a rough waking like a loud yelling, a constant shaking or even a slap on the face to regain their senses.  
  
For Asuka, the announcement of school was more than enough, that morning.  
  
"WHAT? I can't go to school!"  
  
Misato blinked. "Why? You don't seem to be ill."  
  
"Are you kidding?" She pointed at Shinji. "THAT is even worse!"  
  
" 'THAT' is no reason for me to excuse you from any of your duties."  
  
"But... I... ARGH!" She whirled around. "I bet you knew about this!"  
  
"Well, it didn't really come as a big surprise," he confessed weakly.  
  
It took a few moments of glaring and grunting, until she finally calmed her rage enough not to kill him right then and there.  
  
"Fine! I'll be in the bathroom!" she growled. "And you'd better have my breakfast ready when I'm finished, Third!"  
  
As he watched her stomping and cursing out of the kitchen, one thought crossed his mind; one he had already several times before and this was most likely not the last.  
  
' _This is going to be another looong day..._ '  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
"I already understood it the first time, you know?" Shinji whined, as they made their way to school.  
  
"That doesn't matter! Let me hear it again!"  
  
He sighed, knowing that he hadn't much of a choice.  
  
"I won't talk to anyone about the second worst thing I could have done to you, by taking advantage of your distorted senses, otherwise you'll remind me, that there is also another way for you to get out of it, than divorce," he quietly repeated what Asuka had told him about twelve times by now.  
  
"Good! And don't you forget it!" the redhead warned him, shaking her fist menacing in front of his face.  
  
"Don't he forget what?" The voice behind them caused them both to flinch.  
  
"Oh, eh, h-hi, Hikari!"  
  
"Good morning, you two," Hikari greeted them, bowing. "So, what were you talking about?"  
  
"Well, you see..." Shinji stammered being close to a panic attack, and shifted his gaze wearily between Asuka and the class representative.  
  
"He... eh... shouldn't forget the homework!" the Second Children waved innocently.  
  
"Well, I can only hope that you never forget something like that," Hikari told in her authoritative tone, she always used when it came to school related things. But then something else caught her attention. "Oh, Asuka, you're wearing a ring? Haven't you always said you wouldn't need any jewelry to accentuate your beauty?"  
  
Asuka and Shinji's widened eyes went to her hand were the traitorous ring was still clearly evident. She hid it as quickly as she could, behind her back.  
  
"Eh... say, isn't it a bit late already?" she successfully tried to distract her friend.  
  
"Oh my God, your right! We'll have to hurry!"  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
So far, it had been a usual school day. The constant monotonous ramblings of the teacher were more than enough to lull the students into a state of total absence of mind, were they tend to forget everything, even something like an unconventional wedding.  
  
But sooner than later the lunch break would come, and with it a scene, that was well known to the other students:  
  
A certain furious redhead would be scolding a certain wimpy boy for whatever reason...  
  
"What do you mean: 'You forgot our lunch'??"  
  
...he would make a weak reply...  
  
"Well, I-I hadn't had much time yesterday. A-and afterwards, well, you know..."  
  
...she would get even angrier...  
  
"You mean I have to miss lunch just because YOU passed out after a stupid video?"  
  
...and finally, they would be interrupted by one of their friends.  
  
"Oh, the Newlyweds are at it again."  
  
Toji's comment filled the classroom with laughter, but didn't get the expected reaction out of the two he addressed. Instead of embarrassment and blushing, he faced the horrified looks of the pair.  
  
"HOW DO YOU KNOW???"  
  
And the laughter was replaced with silence...  
  
  
It took at least a full minute before the first of the gathered classmates managed to speak up.  
  
"Y...y-you d...don't mean..."  
  
"C-can't be..."  
  
"Y-you are..."  
  
"...Married?"  
  
The deep red faces of the couple were answer enough to bring back the laughter even louder than before, with various "I knew it!"s, "Way to go!"s "Sincere condolences, man!"s and some "How could you?"s mixed in between.  
  
While the focus of the class was on the eye-twitching Asuka, who looked ready to explode any second and the whimpering Shinji, who was trying to hide himself under his desk, everyone failed to notice a pair of crimson eyes watching the scene with utmost fascination.  
  
Of course, Rei knew of the basic concept of 'marriage', yet she had never felt the urge to investigate it further. But this new relationship between the Second and Third Children provoked her interest. She made a mental note to research and increase her knowledge in this matter.  
  
Meanwhile, the clouds, gathering above the school building drifted apart in an instant, birds in a range of 500 yards fled from their trees as fast as they could, while other sensitive animals went wild, as...  
  
"SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUP!!!!!"  
  
...Asuka finally exploded.  
  
Shinji thanked god that his just built desk-bunker reduced the impact at least to some extend.  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
"Shinji, Shinji, Shinji," Toji patted his friend's back, shaking his head in disbelieve. "You were always a strange fella, but what on earth gave you the stupidest of all ideas to marry a demon?"  
  
The former bachelor sighed. He was glad that the three of them found shelter on the rooftop after the general excitement had calm down, while Hikari tried to sedate Asuka somehow. If the redhead would have heard Toji's rants, his ears would never get any time to regenerate.  
  
"I envy him," Kensuke confessed sadly, earning a displeased look of the jock. "Not only that he's always around all the hot girls, now he even got one bound to him."  
  
"You're starting to scare me, man!" Toji grunted. "I could understand if it was Misato, but being married to **it** is definitively nothing to be jealous of."  
  
Shinji sighed again. "I don't know, how this could've happened," he muttered. "Asuka's angrier than ever before and that is something almost impossible to achieve."  
  
"What do you mean: 'You don't know'?" Toji eyed him. "How can the groom not know about his wedding?"  
  
"Well, you see, we were... it seems, well... kinda... drunk..." Shinji stammered.  
  
His friends didn't seem to accept that answer. "You just don't want to excuse for not giving a bachelor party!"  
  
"A what?" Shinji shrieked.  
  
"Toji's right! And don't you tell us that we had that party two days ago! The girls had been there! Not to mention, that you and Asuka completely ignored us when you started that stupid ga..." the bespectacled boy stopped his rant, as a thought struck through his nerd brain. "Hey, Toji, you think this could be because of that game, they played?"  
  
"Hmm," Toji pondered, nodding, "That would be an explanation..."  
  
It's not necessary to mention that the Third Children was now even more confused than before. "What game?" he asked.  
  
"You don't even remember that?"  
  
Feeling an unpleasant kind of panic rising within him, he only managed to shook his head slowly.  
  
"Well," Toji scratched his head, thinking. "You and Asuka got into something, you could describe as... uh... your own version of 'Truth or Dare'..."  
  
"...Just without the 'Truth'..."  
  
  
  
////////////////////////////////  
  
  
  
Two days ago, Shinji had just been released from NERV-infirmary after the incident with the twelfth Angel, to be greeted at the Katsuragi-residence with a "welcome home"-party arranged by his friends. The 'party' was pretty similar to the one Kensuke had organized for Misato's promotion. All six (or seven, if you counted PenPen) of them sat at the small, food and drink-covered table in the living room; Misato and Shinji on one side, left of them Toji and Kensuke, on the other side Asuka, Hikari and PenPen on Hikari's lap. It went on as usual: Misato was drinking heavily, Shinji was silent and a bit embarrassed about all the effort which was done for him, the boys and the girls (mostly Asuka) were arguing about the most trivial things, and not to forget the redhead's complains that Kaji wouldn't   
be able to attend, because of his work.  
  
"Hooray for my little Shin-chan, nightmare of Angels!" Misato prattled another toast and emptied another of countless beer cans in one gulp.  
  
"T-thanks..." the boy mumbled embarrassed.  
  
"Yeah, we know it already!" Asuka huffed. "The almighty, invincible Shinji who eats Angels for breakfast! God, I can't hear it anymore!"  
  
"Asuka," the class rep tried to calm her friend down, as she saw the Third Children flinch even more, "Shouldn't you be glad that he made it back?"  
  
"What for?"  
  
Well, it seemed like she wasn't in the mood for faint, subtle hints, that she actually likes him. "Eh, we wouldn't have this party then, for example."  
  
"Oh, we also would have had this party, say if it had been a certain other pilot falling in that thing, without returning!" Toji provoked the redhead.  
  
"OH YEAH?"  
  
"YEAH!"  
  
"Hey, what's that sound?" Kensuke's voice interrupted the trail of events that usually ended up painfully for the jock. Everything was silent now, despite a light sound of...  
  
"Snoring?" Shinji looked at his side to the purple-haired woman, who was still sitting cross-legged at the table, the beer can tightly gripped, yet the eyes closed and breathing with a steady, audible rhythm. "Now, that is strange."  
  
"Yeah," Asuka admitted. "She usually doesn't pass out before having at least 4 per mill of alcohol in her blood..."  
  
"Shouldn't we get her to bed?" Shinji wondered. "I mean we can't let her sleep here like this..."  
  
Big matching grins appeared on Toji's and Kensuke's faces. "We'll do it!" they volunteered happily.  
  
"You two hentais would die because of the enormous nosebleed half the way to her room," the redhead spit, disgusted. "Come on Hikari, we'll get Major Drunk to her 'Fort Garbage'."  
  
The brunette nodded, lifted PenPen carefully from her lap and stood up to assist Asuka, who already tried to heave Misato while grunting something like "105 lbs my ass!"  
  
The former idiot-duo gave a simultaneous sad sigh, as their favorite Major was carried, or more correctly, dragged out of their sight.  
  
"Hey, Toji, maybe we should go now..."  
  
"Yeah, now that only the class rep and the demon are here..." Toji approved and stood up.  
  
"I thought, you threw this party for me," muttered Shinji, a hint of offend in his voice, causing them to stop dead in their tracks.  
  
"Eh, you see..."  
  
"Oh, you want to go?" interrupted Asuka's menacing voice from the kitchen door. "Too bad; the fun is just about to begin!" Triumphal, she presented a good part of Misato's beer-stock. Hikari behind her didn't make a face that showed much approval.  
  
"Huh?" Toji scratched his head. "What's that?"  
  
"What? Are you stupid **and** blind?" Asuka growled. "Now that 'Big Sister' isn't watching anymore, we'll have a real party!"  
  
"You really think this is a good idea?" Shinji eyed the cans visibly nervous. "I mean..."  
  
"I told her that as well," Hikari agreed. "But she wouldn't listen."  
  
Obviously, she continued with that, since she ignored her friend and smirked at Shinji.  
  
"What, Third? You're afraid of a little beer?"  
  
"I-I'm not!" he declared as confident as he could manage.  
  
"Yeah, right! Well, your wimpy body wouldn't be able to handle the alcohol anyway," she teased. "I bet you couldn't take one sip before spitting everything out again."  
  
A glimpse of hurt, anger and even a (really) small amount of pride sparkled in his eyes, as he stood up, took one of the cans and opened it. He frowned a bit at the bitter brewage.  
  
Then he lifted it up his mouth, shut his eyes, tilted his head back and drunk and drunk, without stopping. As he breathed a disgusted gasp for air, an empty can made it's way to the floor.  
  
Forcing his eyes open, he faced the surprised and shocked faces of his friends... or at least three of them.  
  
"Well, not too bad, Third!"  
  
" 'Not too bad'?" Shinji asked bewildered, before frowning at her. "I bet you couldn't do that!"  
  
"WHAT? You must be totally drunk already, to defy me!" She ripped one can open herself. "Watch me!"  
  
After hesitating a moment, she repeated more or less, what Shinji demonstrated, just that she did her best to hide her disgust for the bitterness. However, her grimaces showed, that she only partly succeeded.  
  
"Ha! See?" she managed to sound triumphant. "I was even faster than you!"  
  
"I was... eh... savoring the taste!"  
  
"I bet you can't do it faster!"  
  
"I can!"  
  
...  
  
  
  
////////////////////////////////  
  
  
  
"...and that went on and on, while you two were totally ignoring us. When we left, you were currently betting, that Shinji wouldn't be able to get PenPen to eat the leftovers of the last meal Misato cooked," Hikari concluded her tale of the night's happenings (at least those, she knew of) to Asuka.  
  
"That must be it!" the redhead declared growling. "That baka must have bet I would be too afraid to marry him! And since he knew that I'm not afraid of anything, he could be sure that I would prove it to him! He used my pride against me!"  
  
"Well, that had to happen sooner or later..."  
  
"You said something?"  
  
"Eh, no, no!" Hikari waved defensively, before she sighed. "But is it really that bad?"  
  
"What? Are you kidding?"  
  
"Well, it could have been worse. And to think to be married..."  
  
The dreamy expression on the class representative's face didn't go unnoticed by the furious EVA-pilot.  
  
"Don't tell me, you're thinking of being Mrs. Suzuhara already," she grimaced, what was followed by an enormous blush of the pigtailed brunette.  
  
"Well, eh..." Hikari fumbled for a reply that would lead away from this topic. "But if you hate it so much, how come you're still wearing that ring?"  
  
Asuka looked at the 'bane' on her hand. Of course she had tried to get rid of it, off of her precious finger; to smash it with a big hammer, to shred it to pieces and finally, to sink the remains in the deepest part of the sea. But...  
  
"IT WON'T COME OFF!" she screamed, tugging it demonstratively.  
  
"Huh? Let me see." Hikari eyed the ring on the presented hand. She couldn't see anything unusual about it and, obviously, it wasn't too tight. Yet, as she tried to pull it herself, it didn't move a millimeter. "Now, that is strange..."  
  
"Wait, keep on pulling it," Asuka suggested. "I'll pull in the other direction. Maybe it'll go off then."  
  
Hikari wasn't sure about this, but nodded anyway. Yet, as they started tugging it from both sides, it became soon evident that it wouldn't work. The quiet, but hearable, painful whimpers of the redhead didn't really convince Hikari of the effectiveness of this method.  
  
"Asuka, I'm afraid we'll sooner rip your finger off, than that ring."  
  
"That doesn't matter!" whined Asuka. "They can stitch it back on if we're fast enough!"  
  
The shock of hearing this girl, who always stated proudly the perfection of her body, taking the risk of being crippled just to get a ring off, let Hikari slip it out of her hand.  
  
Of course, Asuka was still pulling and without the resistance from the other direction... well, it doesn't take a genius in physics to say, she landed rather painfully on her rear.  
  
The 'bane' hadn't moved at all...  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
Hiroya always thought he was just like every (stereo-)typical Japanese male around 30. Starting with his outward appearance with the short, black hair (which, luckily for him, showed no signs of falling out), brown eyes and the suits with white shirt and tie, he usually wore for work, where he commuted on one of these totally overcrowded trains.  
  
He had to admit, he was a bit lucky, that he actually had an office for himself, even if it was so small that his only his desk, three chairs and a cabinet barely fit in.  
  
After work, he usually went home straight away, boiling up a cup of ramen and eating in front of the TV, watching his favorite show, where he laughed at the stupid people, who let themselves be set on fire, be overrun by a truck or, disguised as mailman, be send with a big package of sausages to the dog pound.  
  
Now and then, he would went for a karaoke-bar, where he would, after a few drinks, perform and from what he remembered, actually get some praise.  
  
However, being stopped by two black dressed men, shoved into a black limousine and escorted deep down into the NERV-facility was definitely **not** a typical thing in his daily life.  
Not to mention, now being stared at by this freaky bearded man, with his even freakier pose and the old, grey-haired man standing statue-like behind him.  
  
"Hiroya Matsura, I suppose?" the younger of them began, his mouth hidden by his clasped hands in front of it. "I assume you know who I am and why you are here?"  
  
"Well, actually: No!" Hiroya shrugged innocently. He could have sworn to see his opponent's left eyebrow rise by almost a millimeter.  
  
"You don't know who I am?"  
  
"No," he scratched his head nervously. "Should I?"  
  
"Maybe you should take a closer look."  
  
He looked...  
  
And looked...  
  
And looked...  
  
And rubbed his eyes, as he began to squint.  
  
"Sorry, but I don't understand..." he confessed, finally.  
  
"The tainted sun-glasses..."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"The beard..."  
  
"Okay..."  
  
"The clasped hands in front of the mouth..."  
  
"Uh-huh..."  
  
"And that makes me...?"  
  
"A blind man, who can't shave himself right anymore and likes to make grimaces to people he talks to?" the lawyer guessed. "And the one behind you is your male-nurse?"  
  
Obviously a wrong guess, since the two gave each other a more or less surprised look.  
  
"No," the 'blind man' denied. "I am the Commander of NERV."  
  
"Oh, wow, the Commander of NERV?" He tried to set his tie straight. "I'd never guessed!"  
  
"What use is it to come up with an unique appearance, if no one in public recognizes you because of it?" the bearded muttered, only barely hearable.  
  
"Ahem," Hiroya shifted the attention towards him again, "may I ask, what can I do for you? I mean, you surely haven't... eh, 'called' me here for nothing..."  
  
"It came to my notice that you are handling the divorcement of my offspring, Mr. Matsura."  
  
"I am? You're sure?" In his thoughts, he went through his current clients. "Not that I know off. What's the name? That would help."  
  
Again, there was this barely noticeable twitching of the brow. "Any explanation for this, Fuyutsuki?" the Commander asked the older man behind him.  
  
"I would say the PR-section did their job a bit too well," the other guessed.  
  
"Make a note, Fuyutsuki. I want more advertising of my person."  
  
"I may remind you, that I'm your Sub-Commander, not your secretary."  
  
"Whatever," the Commander muttered, before he focused his attention on Hiroya again. "I am Gendo Ikari!"  
  
"Ikari?" Hiroya scratched his chin. "Ah, yes. You're the father of that girl!"  
  
"The boy."  
  
"Oh, yeah. I keep confusing the names," he admitted. "I already thought of calling them the Ikayus or the Sorkaris."  
  
Seeing, that his joke didn't get any reaction out of the pair, he quickly got back to the topic. "Well, if you got me here to speed up the divorcement-process..."  
  
"Actually," Ikari cut him off, "I want you to slow it down..."  
  
"Oh?" Hiroya narrowed his eyes. "May I ask why?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Eh... whatever, there's not much I can do in any way. I may not care about the red tape, instead of what I promised them, but sooner or later, they would get impatient and either get it themselves or get another lawyer." He leaned forward. "And, between you and me, that girl seems to get impatient very easy."  
  
"I am aware of this," Ikari droned. "I was referring to the counseling."  
  
"So? I'm afraid I won't have much influence on that."  
  
"I know that as well. But you are the one choosing the agency, aren't you?" Hiroya was a bit surprised to see, that the Commander's hands were **not** glued together, as he moved one of them to his jacket and pulled a card out, which he shoved over the desk. "You will attend here."  
  
Hiroya took the card, reading in fine, wide letters:  
  
[ _Saori_ _Tagawa  
Marriage Counseling _  
  
**_We never fail, you hear me?_** ]  
  
"Eh, okay..." he shrugged. "But..."  
  
"Very well, Mr. Matsura," he was cut off again. "You will be escorted back to your residence now."  
  
"But I was on my way to wor..." Hiroya's voice cracked, as two strong hands grabbed his shoulders and dragged him out.  
  
The not-so-dynamic duo was left alone again.  
  
"And you think that will make any difference?" Fuyutsuki inquired.  
  
"If the rumors about her are true, Ms. Tagawa will be the perfect choice for this scenario."  
  
"I have to admit that it's strange to see you interfering so much in this matter," the older wondered. "I wouldn't even be surprised if you would initialize something to get the Second Children pregnant by the Third just so they'd stay together."  
  
"You mean by mixing something in Unit-02's LCL to stimulate her sexual needs so she would have intercourse with him?" Gendo mused. "No, better not. I'll just end up as the bad guy again, trying to alter the child's DNA to make it a superior pilot, not caring if the mother's killed during the birth and take the child aw..." he trailed off. "Hmm, I really should start taking notes..."  
  
"Ikari!" Fuyutsuki was shocked. "You're not actually thinking..."  
  
"No..." the Commander anticipated his thought innocently.  
  
Fuyutsuki narrowed his eyes. "You're not writing these 'stories' again, are you?"  
  
"There's nothing wrong with a nice, WAFFy fiction."  
  
"I just hope, you're not using script format again."  
  
Gendo(slightly annoyed): "What if I like script format?"  
  
"Whatever," the former professor sighed. "But while we're on it; I like to have a word with you about these Gendo/Rei-lemons I found on your computer."  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about..."  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hmm, I have to admit, the more I'm advancing with this, the less my original plans for it work out. So, maybe I'll do this proper right away and adapting much more than I indented to. On the other hand, that would mean no OSV, since there wouldn't be much difference, just a few things left out...  
>   
> Whatever, back to this chapter:  
> Well, we have the class gaining knowledge of the 'situation' and I'm actually using one of those by-me-oh-so-hated-dub-phrases, but I have to admit, that 'Newlyweds' fit better in this case, than just a 'marital quarrel'.  
>   
> Rei makes her first, short appearance. I have to admit (geez, I'm admitting much these days), so far I have only a few ideas to put her in, but I'm not intending to make this your common love triangle-fic. We have more than enough of those.  
>   
> We have a flashback of the party. Not much of surprises there, I guess, but I've never said, I was very original...  
>   
> And finally we have the 'Hiroya meets Gendo'-scene. How on earth could he not know who the Commander is, you ask? Well, that's just a little idea of mine, after noticing that no one outside of NERV talks about him. Take Shinji's first school day for example: He was asked if he was the pilot, but no one asked him if he was related to Commander Ikari.  
> Oh, and if you don't know to which 'story' I referred: Shame on you for not even knowing the classics of EVA-fiction!  
> And before you ask: No, Axel Terizaki is not really Gendo...  
>   
> ...at least not that I know of...  
>   
>   
> Well, I guess, that's all for now. I can't promise that the next chapter will be out as 'soon' as this one, but don't worry, it'll come...  
>   
> And last, but not least: Thanks again to my pre-readers Seranov, dennisud, Divine Chaos, LD & Foxboy.


	4. Better not get on her NERVes...

**The Ikaris  
  
Chapter 4: Better not get on her NERVes...**  
  
  
  
NERV-Headquarters.  
Last bastion against the Angels.  
Midpoint of the gigantic Geofront.  
Stronghold of secrets and mysteries.  
Workplace of more than a hundred people.  
Huge labyrinth of corridors, treadmills and lifts where one could easily get lost.  
  
He, however, was the Commander! He was the conspiring genius! He was the true puppet-master that was fooling everyone! He was the one who played the most high-ranking and powerful people on earth off against each other!  
He didn't get lost!  
He was just... checking the paint job of the corridors...  
  
And that he now followed a person of who he could be sure to go near a place close to his office eventually was just... coincidence.  
  
Though, walking with a certain blue-haired pilot could get quite boring over time.  
  
"Rei?"  
  
"Yes, Commander?"  
  
"Are you feeling fine today?"  
  
"Yes. I learned several interesting information since school yesterday."  
  
"Oh? How is school?"  
  
"Fine..."  
  
Gendo sighed inwardly. This was getting nowhere. Maybe he shouldn't have left all the child-education to Yui. Then he might would have been able to teach her at least some semblance of social skills. But then again, there wasn't that much he could teach her either...  
  
"What is it that you are reading there, Rei?"  
  
" 'The little ABC of wedding ceremonies all over the world' "  
  
Gendo's eyes flickered in surprise. Wedding ceremonies?  
  
"Rei?"  
  
"Yes, Commander?"  
  
"Is there someone I should know of?"  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
"Congratulations!"  
  
"Congratulations!"  
  
Shinji looked around him. Almost everyone he seemed to know, at least to some extend, was there; surrounding him, friendly smiling and applauding.  
  
"Congratulations!"  
  
"Congratulations!"  
  
What exactly had happened? The latest events had been... 'strange', if that was the right word. He had gone through hell; his mind had been messed with more than he could comprehend. But he had made his decision and was ready to face the consequences. And now, standing in the middle of all these people that were cheering him on, he strangely didn't mind it as much anymore as he would have before. Actually, he felt at peace. For he knew that this would be the end...  
  
"WILL YOU STOP THAT ALREADY?!?"  
  
...because Asuka looked, as if she would kill everyone here at NERV any moment...  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
And there she had thought the guys at school had been bad. But as it seemed, adults were much worse in this regard. While she hurried through the corridors towards the changing rooms, tagging that twerp of Shinji behind her, everyone seemed to feel the need to congratulate them. Congratulate! Asuka wondered if they would also congratulate someone who stepped in a bear-trap.  
  
Were they so afraid of being left on the shelf that they actually thought marriage was something good? Well, they were free to switch places with her!  
  
Not that anyone would want this idiot. Who would want to be married to someone who was always excusing and whining and a coward and a wimp and hers... uhm... her - s...stinging pain in the neck...  
  
She shook her head to get rid of thoughts that... she didn't have.  
Now where was she? Ah yes, no one would want to be with him. Besides perhaps...  
  
"Ikari?"  
  
"Eh?" Startled by the soft voice behind them, Shinji turned around. "Oh... hello, Ayanami."  
  
Asuka rolled her eyes at the mentioning of the blue-haired pilot. That was just what had been missing today...  
  
"...Ikari...?" Rei called again, after waiting several seconds.  
  
"Uh... yes, Ayanami?"  
  
Hadn't he made it obvious enough that he was listening? That doll was getting stranger every day...  
  
"...No..." she continued, after a few more moments of uneasy silence. "I requested to talk with Ikari..."  
  
"Oh. S-sorry, I don't know where my father is..."  
  
"Actually, I was referring to your... spouse..." She pointed at Asuka.  
  
"NOW LISTEN! I'M NOT..."  
  
"Would you come with me?" Rei cut the fuming redhead off, obviously not caring for her rants, because she already turned and was walking down the corridor.  
  
It may have been because of sheer curiosity, but instead of simply letting her go to wait till Third Impact, she actually found herself following the enigmatic pilot.  
  
"Okay, we're alone now! So what is..." The disgruntled redhead was cut off, as a small present-box, neatly wrapped with a blue ribbon, was held under her nose.  
  
Asuka glared at her opponent. She could see very well were this was going. "Listen: If you have a present for your little Shinji, give it to him yourself..."she spat.  
  
"No. Though he will be positive effected by it as well, this present is meant for you."  
  
"For... me...?" Asuka was speechless. "What is...?" she asked; though even if she got an answer, she was currently too confused to notice while she unwrapped the unexpected gift.  
"...THIS?!?"  
  
With her fingertips, she held the 'garments' away from herself, as if it was a poisoned snake.  
  
"This is so-called 'hot lingerie'," Rei said casually, as if she was giving an instruction how to use the toilet to a toddler that just outgrown the diapers. "I am aware that you prefer the color red, but I rather dislike it. Also I came to the conclusion that the black would be an adequate contrast to the color of your hair. So I hope this is a satisfying compromise."  
  
"But... I... wha... why...?" Asuka stuttered; her mind racing in complete confusion. As if it wasn't crazy enough that Rei made gifts (not to mention gifts like _this_ ) now she was giving fashion advice? Maybe Third Impact was closer than she thought...  
  
"It came to my notice that presents like these are typically given at an event called bachelorette party, where the bride celebrates the passing of her single status with her female acquaintance. From what I gathered, undergarments like this is supposed to stimulate the mating behavior, which has positive effects on starting a family unit."  
  
"Fa-family unit?!?" Asuka paled.  
  
"Yes. Is that not the reason to get married?"  
  
"Well, usually..." the redhead began to explain casually, but then stopped; gritting her teeth. "Listen," she continued slowly, with a sarcastic-friendly tone, "I don't know, if you're even able to comprehend this, but: This has just happened, because we were extremely drunk and because the baka did something to trick me into it. That is the whole and only reason for this. AND DEFINITELY NOT FOR 'CREATING A FAMILY UNIT' !!"  
  
Rei just watched her calm as always, while Asuka panted and calmed down from that outburst. But then something happened to the First's face that scared the usual fiery EVA-pilot more, than if she had grown wings and declared herself to be an Angel that was going to kill everyone on earth. She... smiled warmly...  
"If you think so..." she said, before she turned and quietly made her way down the corridor; leaving a confused Asuka behind.  
  
It took a few seconds before the baffled redhead regained her logical thinking. Her eyes wandered to the underwear at the other end of her still outstretched arm.  
  
"Well, at least she doesn't have that much of a bad taste..." she muttered under her breath, as she took a closer look at it. Who knew; there might be a use for it eventually...  
"Argh! To hell with these thoughts! It really sucks to be a teenager someti..."  
  
"Asuka?"  
  
Her face flushed in an instant at the voice behind her.  
  
"WHAT?" she fizzed in panic, not turning around, while quickly trying to hide the 'present' under her clothes.  
  
"Uhm... what did Ayanami want from you?"  
  
"Nothing! Nothing at all!" she snapped back at Shinji.  
  
"You're sure? You sound kinda upset by somethi..."  
  
"SHOULDN'T YOU BE CHANGING FOR THE TEST NOW?!?"  
  
"Y-yeah... sorry... I just wanted to... eh... never mind..." Shinji mumbled cringing and went off towards the boy's locker room.  
  
Angry sighing, she went after Rei to get ready for the synch-test herself.  
"Stupid Shinji, stupid Rei with stupid present, stupid... STUPID NERV!"  
  
She didn't even notice the technician that just went down the corridor and looked after her with a hurt expression. "But... but, I haven't done anything...?" he mumbled sniffling.  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
Misato let out a deep sigh, after she had stretched her limps; tired from the long ride to the NERV-department at Matsushiro.  
"You know Rits, I had almost forgotten about this. Now I'm missing all the fun..."  
  
"If you ask me: It was about time you got back to work!" Her blonde companion glared at her from the truck-seat. "Since this 'incident' you only showed up to gossip about 'the blissful couple'."  
  
"You have to admit, it was more fun than waiting here, out of nowhere, for yet another machine of mass destruction..."  
  
"Well, technically, an EVA is not..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," the Major cut her friend quickly off, before she would find herself in another boring technical-lesson of which she wouldn't understand a single word anyway. "But you know what's worst about it?"  
  
"That you can't accompany and embarrass them at their first counseling session?" Ritsuko replied rather annoyed.  
  
"No..." Misato trailed off and paused a second, before she shrugged, grinning. "Ah, okay, that as well. But what I meant was that I didn't even have the chance of telling them who the Fourth is..."  
  
She fell silent again for a moment. Then, slowly, she turned her head towards the doctor.  
  
"What was his name again?"  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
  
"Ah, great..." Asuka muttered. "This must be the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me..." She paused for a second.  
"Oh, wait... the second-most embarrassing thing, of course..." she added groaning.  
  
"Ah, that's okay," Lt. Ibuki friendly said, in whose small and apparently seldom used office she had been called after... staying a bit longer in the test-plug than necessary, "I guess it can be quite boring for you pilots during the tests. And they told me it would be best not to wake you up..."  
  
The Second Children sighed. "It's just that... I don't like being in someone's debt and after all, you had to stay longer because of me. So... ehm... I'm... sor... sorry, okay? It's just that I didn't get much sleep lately."  
  
"Oh, no need for excuses," the young technician assured, "It's only natural that newlyweds are quite 'busy' at night."  
  
"Oh, please, not you as well..." Asuka groaned at the Lieutenant, who was giggling like a schoolgirl that made her first dirty joke.  
  
"Sorry, sorry," she appeased. "Truth is: I still had a lot to do anyway. You two gave us a good load of work, you know? Just changing your name everywhere to Asuka Langley _Ikari_ had cost several hours..."  
  
"YOU DID WHA- Argh, just tell me the test-scores and I'm out of here..."  
  
"O-kay, let's see..." the short haired woman said, while her eyes and index finger flew over the untidy desk. Eventually, she picked a printout that was actually directly in front of her.  
"Oh, I'm afraid your synch-ratio went down a few points..."  
  
Asuka sighed. "Well, it was to expect after all this, wasn't it? I bet Shinji's are even worse..."  
  
"Actually, he more or less hold his last results," Maya pointed out. "And surprisingly, Rei's ratio even went up a bit..."  
  
"...great..." the pilot hissed through gritted teeth. "Well, if that's all I'll be going now..."  
  
"Oh, wait a moment! While you're here..." the young woman began, before she leaned over the content of her desk-drawer. After a while, she obviously found the file she was looking for and presented it to Asuka. "Family-relatives have access to each other's personal files; so if you want to take a look at Shinji's..."  
  
Asuka stared a while at the presented folder.  
  
Shinji's personal file...  
Everything NERV knew about him was inside; his past, his education, his interests; everything that made him tick; everything that would explain why he is like he is...  
  
She abruptly shook her head.  
"I don't think I have any need for that," she grumbled as polite as possible.  
  
The other just giggled. "You know, you two are really kinda alike."  
  
"We are no..." Asuka started annoyed, but then a sudden fear hit her. "Wait a moment, did... did he look at _my_ file?"  
  
"No," Maya smiled; obviously not noticing the anxious look in her eyes, "That's what I meant: he said almost the same; something like: 'If you would want him to know something about you; you would tell him.' "  
  
The redhead stared at her for a while, but her face betrayed nothing of the confusion inside her head.  
  
"Whatever..." she muttered finally. "If there's nothing else, I'd like to go now..."  
  
"Sure, bye then!" Maya dismissed her without even looking up again from her monitor, where she was already back working on.  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
Asuka hurried towards the exit as fast as she could to avoid as many well-wishers as possible. Those were the last she needed now. First that thing with the First, then she disgraced herself by falling asleep during the synch-test, then she learned that her synch-ratio went down, and now that thing with the personal files!  
  
Oh, why was she even thinking about that? There wouldn't be anything besides some basic personal information, like name, age, physical condition and the rest would be censored anyway. And why should anyone be interested in that bit information of stupid...  
  
"Asuka!"  
  
She stopped, cringing. Just why had everyone to sneak up from behind today?  
  
"What the hell are you still doing here, Shinji?" she cursed at him, when he had caught up with her.  
  
"I... had... been waiting... for you..." he panted, already exhausted from his little sprint to reach her.  
  
"W-why?" Asuka asked taken aback. "Eh... I mean, you could have been home for a while, and have finished my dinner by now!"  
  
"B-but we're supposed to meet Mr. Matsura in half an hour!" Shinji whined at her outburst. "We have our first ma-mar... our marri... our first counseling session, remember?" He still had problems saying the 'M-word' without extreme blushing and stuttering.  
  
"Ah, damn!" she grumbled. "And just today Misato had to remember that she had to take a trip!"  
  
"Oh? Did you want her to be there with us?"  
  
"Of course not, baka! But now she can't give us a ride and we have to see how we'll get there! Well, come on then!"  
  
With that she grabbed the sleeve of Shinji's shirt and tugged him towards the nearest exit.  
  
  
But just as they stepped out, they were stopped by Rei blocking their way. Before they could ask what she had in her closed fist, the blue-haired girl threw the content of her hand over them.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL...??" Asuka cursed, as she tried to get rid of the rice corns in her hair.  
  
"Eh... Ayanami, why...?" the perplexed Shinji managed to ask.  
  
"It is an old wedding tradition; the rice is a symbol of fertility. While there are alternatives to it in several cultures, rice has been the most common." She bowed slightly. "I apologize, as I am aware that this should have taken place at your wedding ceremony, but since I had not been able to attend there, I had decided to make it up now."  
  
Without any other word, she turned around and went, leaving the two baffled teens behind, just as she had done before.  
  
Asuka was the first who managed to speak up again.  
"What the hell is she thinking?!?" she cursed, her voice becoming louder with each word. "Oh, when I get that little...!"  
  
And while she cursed on, Shinji found his voice again as well; though it was nothing more than a tiny squeak.  
  
"F-fertility...?"  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
Hiroya failed to suppress another yawn, as he looked at his watch yet again. The Ikaris were now 20 minutes late. Plus his tendency to show up to an appointment much earlier than agreed (so _he_ wouldn't be late to any important meetings), he now had been waiting for almost 42 minutes in front of the multistory building where this 'Miss Tagawa' had her office.  
  
Absently, he had pulled out her business-card again.  
  
[ ** _We never fail, you hear me?_** ]  
  
A bit of research had shown that this was indeed true. Well, not that he could hear a written text. But, as it seemed, no couple that had her as counselor had actually been divorced afterwards.  
  
"Mr. Matsura?"  
  
He jerked at the sudden call of his name.  
"Geez, don't startle me like that" he asked from the newcomers, clutching his heart. "I'm not the youngest anymore!"  
  
"I thought you haven't even reached your thirties..." the redhead inquired, eyeing him suspiciously.  
  
"Maybe, but I feel a lot older the last days," he admitted. "And what took you two so long? I thought you wanted to get this over with as fast as possible?"  
  
"Oh, sorry abou..." the boy began, but was immediately cut off by his 'wife'.  
  
"We got into an ambush!"  
  
"Ambush?" Hiroya mumbled, but actually, he didn't even want to know...  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
Just a few minutes later, they entered a rather ample, comfortable and well-lit (as least compared to the darkening hours outside) office. Hiroya had to admit that he felt a tingling sensation that could have been envy - or a growing stress-conditioned ulcer. The wide room was furnished with some plants, an almost ostentatious large closet and even a couch. And of course a large desk with some comfortable looking seats in front of it.  
  
Behind the desk sat a young woman in her mid-twenties with short, rather tousled, dark blonde hair.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Ikari!" She rose as she noticed their entrance to shake Hiroya's hand. "But I actually expected you to bring your wife along; not your children! And I'm afraid your lawyer is even more late than you are..."  
  
"Uhm, I think there's a little misunderstanding, Miss Tagawa," mumbled the bewildered lawyer. "I'm Hiroya Matsura." He pointed to the two teenagers. "They are the Ikaris."  
  
"Are not!" came it immediately from the redhead. "I see only one Ikari here!"  
  
"Oh, not again..." muttered Hiroya under his breath.  
  
The young counselor shifted an irritated look between the three attendees.  
"Well, I have to admit, this is not a case I get to see every day," she wondered. "Uh, well, why don't you all sit down so we can start?"  
  
Once the three had followed her lead to the seats in front of her desk, she took out a pen and obviously prepared to write down everything that might be of importance.  
  
"Why don't we begin with you telling me how you two have met?" she asked friendly.  
  
"He stared at my panties!" "She slapped me!" the answers came simultaneously with each of the children pointing at each other.  
  
"Eh... an... interesting first encounter, I guess...?" Saori asked slightly bewildered.  
  
"Ha! That wasn't even half of it! Shortly afterwards he peeked on me, while I was changing!"  
  
"I-I just wanted to know what you were doing so long!"  
  
"Uh... and what happened afterwards?" By now, the pen barely moved anymore.  
  
"She got me in her plug-suit!"  
  
"You've got in her plug-..." She stopped and leaned over to Hiroya. "Is it that what it's called nowadays?"  
  
"You're asking me?" he shrugged.  
  
"Oh yeah!" The teens obviously didn't even notice them anymore, lost in their quarrel. "Next you'll say you minded being with me in that entry-plug. You used every possible chance to touch me anywhere!"  
  
"It was you who wanted to show off how good you are in front of me. It's not my fault that we had to do it in that narrow thing."  
  
This would most likely have continued for a few hours, if they wouldn't suddenly been interrupted by the ringing of two cell-phones.  
  
"Oh, could you please turn them off?" the counselor friendly asked. "I don't think it's very productive, if we are disturbed by something like these..."  
  
The children however didn't seem to listen as they frantically fumbled to answer their phones.  
  
"You don't understand," the boy muttered visibly nervous.  
  
"This means an Angel attack!" Asuka confidently added.  
  
"Angel Attack?" the two adults asked simultaneously, but were ignored.  
  
Only a few words were exchanged on the phone; and while one face grew more serious with each one, the other's smirk grew wider and wider.  
  
"Well, seems like another Angel wants his butt kicked by the great Asuka Langley I... Soryu! DAMN! Now look what you guys have done! I almost did it myself! Arrr... Someone get me some soap for my tongue..."  
  
"Asuka, didn't you listen? Matsushiro... That... that's where Misato is today!"  
  
"Phht! It's her own fault if anything happens..."  
  
"Asuka!"  
  
"Misato?" Saori asked whispering, as she leaned over to the lawyer again. "A rival?"  
  
"Not that I know of..." Hiroya answered, but she already seemed to take notes.  
  
"Now come on, baka! You'll have to watch me stomping that Angel into the ground!" the girl declared, shoving her 'husband' to the door.  
  
"Isn't that cute?" the young woman asked no one in particular.  
  
Hiroya gave her a questioning look. "You're kidding, right?"  
  
"But... but... Asuka..." Shinji stammered.  
  
"No 'buts'! NOW!"  
  
A few moments of silence passed, in which the adults just looked bewildered in the direction of the slammed-shut door.  
  
"Phew, finally!" the lawyer sighed, as he stood up. "These two... I have no idea how I'm supposed to slow down this whole thing. I mean, it's quite obvious that there isn't much hope to save this 'marriage'; don't you agree? "  
  
But the young woman at the desk didn't seem to listen. Gone was the innocent and naive appearance. She had shifted into a position that somehow reminded him of the blin... the Commander.  
  
"Finally a challenge!" she said with a grin that sent shivers down Hiroya's spine.  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Maybe you should print out this one on a T-shirt along with the line: "I waited months for an update of 'The Ikaris' and all I got was this lousy chapter!"  
> Hmm, what to say about this one...? The second ACC is finally introduced and now the counseling, which was the main idea for this whole thing, can start at last. Yes, I know that people don't like ACCs that much, but believe me: If there would have been a stressed, forgetful lawyer and a slightly crazy marriage counselor-workaholic in the show, I would have used those, I promise! :P  
> Rei-fans out there have finally some 'action' of their favorite blue-haired pilot. And yes, you can expect some more (even if _slightly_ too late) excerpts of 'The little ABC of wedding ceremonies all over the world'. ;)  
>   
> Otherwise, there is a little hint of the original, (at least a bit) more serious 'script' that I couldn't ignore completely anymore. There might be a few similar scenes in later chapters.  
>   
> And yes, I'm aware that I'm messing terribly with the timeline...  
> So what?  
>   
>   
> Oh, and thanks to LD, Divine Chaos & dennisud for pre-reading.


	5. A Matchmaker's Challenge

  
**The Ikaris  
  
Chapter 5: A Matchmaker's Challenge**  
  
  
  
Toji stirred in the hospital bed. To say he didn't feel very good was an understatement. His head was still aching as if it had been squished before, his arm and leg felt numb as if they weren't even there.  
  
As he slowly opened his eyes, he saw the blurred vision of a brunette angel sitting at his side.  
  
"Class rep?" he asked hoarsely, but it was loud enough to get her attention.  
  
"Oh!" she jerked up in surprise. "Su-Suzuhara..."  
  
He smiled weakly, as she tried to hide her reddening face. But then his face grew serious again. "W-what happened?"  
  
Surprised, Hikari looked up again. "You mean you don't remember?"  
  
"Not... really..."  
  
"Do you... really want to know?"  
  
He turned back to her with a puzzled expression on his face. "Was it that bad?"  
  
"Well, you know, it began when Shinji..."  
  
  
  
////////////////////////////////  
  
  
  
Asuka stood in the doorframe of the now empty room. Not that there ever had been much in it.  
  
She couldn't believe it. That twerp was actually leaving! And just because of _that_! How pathetic...  
  
Oh well, fine for her. At least she would be the unquestioned number one pilot again. No one would doubt anymore that she was the best, the greatest fighter against the Angels.  
  
But why did it feel like she forgot something? That everything that was important to her was slipping out of her reach? That she would let go the last chance she had to achieve happiness?  
  
She jerked up, as the realization hit her. Without further thinking, she hurried to get to the shortest way to the station as fast as her feet would carry her. She wouldn't let this determine her destiny.  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
Shinji stood alone on the departure platform. He had made his decision to leave, but that didn't save him from doubts. He didn't want to leave everyone behind, not after he felt welcome for once. But he knew that he couldn't stay any longer. After these last events, how could he look directly in anyone's eyes any longer? Not that he ever really could, but still...  
  
He sighed sadly. He hadn't even been able to muster enough will to tell everyone goodbye. And maybe it was best this way. After all, it had been hard enough with Misato, after she had driven him to the station and tried to convince him to stay. But he had made his decision...  
  
Asuka was the only one else who knew that and when he would go, but she hadn't appeared for a last farewell. But that wasn't unexpected; even somewhat alarming if it would have been otherwise. It just wouldn't have been like her at all. And, at least to himself, he had to admit that he had no idea how he would have reacted in that case.  
  
A quick, tapping sound suddenly caught his attention. Though it wasn't unknown, a little panic rose inside him. Only slowly he dared to turn around.  
  
The panting redhead had her eyes cast down, standing still for a second to recover from her run. Then she suddenly advanced, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. "Y-you... you can't... l-leave me now..."  
  
Shinji's eyes widened. "A-Asuka...?"  
  
Her grip became painfully firm and she glared angrily at him. "Not as long as I have to carry your stupid name! Once this divorcement is through, you can get lost to wherever you want!"  
  
"I see..." the boy mumbled with sagging shoulders. But then he let out a deep sigh, as he remembered why he did this at all. "It's just... I can't stay here anymore... Not after what happened with the last EVA..."  
  
"Oh geez," Asuka groaned. "It's not like he was a friend of yours or something."  
  
"But that kid, he..."  
  
"He what? He was just a crazy freak that wanted to show of with his 'superior' EVA and 'supernatural' powers. I wouldn't be surprised if he thought that he was some kind of Angel or something. Seriously, that guy had a few too many screws loose. Worst was that he was trying to hit on me and the rest of the female crew, even while we were _fighting_ against him!"  
  
"But they say... he... will suffer aftereffects..."  
  
"Huh? They just said that he seemed to have lost his ability to think in coherent sentences. But actually, I have some doubts that he ever could..."  
  
"But still..."  
  
"OH GEEZ, YOU JUST MADE HIM FALL DOWN AND HE CRIED LIKE A BABY! Hell, even the Angel was too ashamed taking over such a wuss. What do you think why it shot the plug out and activated the self-destruction!"  
  
"But..."  
  
" 'But' nothing!" Asuka cut him off, grabbed his wrist and tugged him behind as she turned to leave. "Now come on already!"  
  
Seeing that he didn't have much of a chance anyway, Shinji decided to just give in to his fate quietly.  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
"Ahh! School! What a great time in life. The time when love blossoms for the first time; innocent and pure..."  
  
"Innocent and pure? The statistics of underage pregnancies are telling something else..."  
  
"Silence, Nonbeliever! You're not here to question me!"  
  
Hiroya lowered his binoculars and sighed, what almost caused him to fall from the branch he was sitting on. "That reminds me," he said to the woman in front of him who was watching the schoolyard with utmost interest, "why exactly **am** I here, spying on a bunch of teenagers? People will think we're some kind of perverts if they see us! Not to mention that I have some work to do!"  
  
"And that's just what you're doing right now..." Saori told him, without stopping her 'observation'.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Are you or are you not in function of a notary in the case of the Ikaris?"  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"Buut... then it's your task to oversee the whole procedure of the counseling."  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"Buuuut... this is a part of my counseling methods, as I gather any information and take every action that might help saving the marriage."  
  
"And that includes hiding on a tree?"  
  
Buuuuuuut... the young counselor simply ignored his remark.  
"Aww, just look at that pigtailed friend of Mrs Ikari; she's always looking to Mr Ikari's friend in the tracksuit. Ah, if I was young again and had time... It's been a while since I hooked up a couple, instead of just holding them together. That had at least been a challenge now and then..."  
  
"How is that more of a challenge?"  
  
"Are you questioning a professional?"  
  
Hiroya rolled his eyes. "No, no, I wouldn't dare to..." he muttered with a sarcastic undertone.  
  
Saori however seemed to take that more personal than he had intended. She glared at him, a revived fighting-spirit flaring in her eyes. "You think it would be _too_ much of a challenge for me, don't you?"  
  
Hiroya blinked dumbfounded. "Uhm... no... I just..."  
  
"Fine! I accept!"  
  
"Accept what?"  
  
"To prove that I still have the spirit! I'll play Cupid for a couple here!"  
  
"I thought we were here to do our jobs?" the lawyer mumbled under his breath, but she obviously heard it anyway.  
  
"That's the good thing about being your own boss: You can combine the fun with the work! We'll just use these friends of them and thus can still have a look on the Ikaris."  
  
Hiroya wanted to object, but then just shook his head and sighed, knowing that he wouldn't be able to dissuade her anyway. "Then tell me, Cupido, where's your bow and arrow?"  
  
She flashed him another one of these spine-shivering grins. "What is said? 'The pen is mightier than the sword' – or the arrow in this case..."  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
"I can't believe you wanted to leave without even telling us!"  
  
Shinji cowered some more under the angry glares of his friends. "I'm sorry," he mumbled weakly. "I just don't like sad goodbyes..."  
  
"Geez, to think that I'm once actually thankful that you married that demon," Toji droned on, either ignoring or not even noticing him talking. "If you react this drastically with something like that happening to a complete stranger, I don't really want to know how you'd react if something would happen to one of us!"  
  
"Not like there'll ever be a chance for it..." Kensuke muttered sadly and sighed, earning him an odd look from his friends.  
  
"Sometimes I think you would even give your arm and leg to pilot one of these monsters." Toji shuddered. "I'll happily refrain from ever putting a foot inside one of them again."  
  
"Can't we just drop this topic and eat?" Shinji suggested quietly.  
  
Fortunately for him, the diversion worked wonders, at least with Toji. "Ah! Yes, food!" he exclaimed gleefully and started to roam in his bag for his meal. "Good thing that I don't need the poison that they sell here anymore since my sister's back from hospital."  
  
"Don't tell me you just cared for your sister so much, because she's making your lunch..."  
  
"Hmm? Did you say somethi...? Oh, wait..." he cut himself off as found the bento-box he was searching for. But his face dropped as he pulled the colorful case out. "Oh damn! I must've accidentally taken my sister's new one..."  
  
Kensuke curiously took a look at it. "Ah, yes, I've heard of those. They seem quite popular nowadays."  
  
"Huh?" Shinji's interest was now stirred as well, and he leaned up to get a glance on the bright yellow box. A little rainbow was on the upper left side, a well known red half-leaf under it. In the background there were little SD-Caricatures of the three EVAs. And in the front, standing victorious on a beaten SD-Version of the third Angel, was a small man with beard and sunglasses, flashing a V-sign...  
  
...happily grinning...  
  
***********  
  
"What was that scream?" Hikari asked concerned. "Do you think something's happened to Ikari?"  
  
"Pht!" Asuka snarled, demonstratively not even looking up to the source of the frantic sound. "He always screams like a girl. Maybe he accidentally squished a bug and now he's blaming himself for it the whole day."  
  
"Well, if you think so..." the brunette mumbled, not entirely conceived, but decided to change the topic anyway. "So how was your counseling session? We didn't really had time to talk this morning, since you were so late. Almost too late, I may add..."  
  
Asuka held her hands up in defense. "You can thank the First for that. She had pulled another one of her little 'stunts'."  
  
"Ayanami and stunts? Wha...? Oh my!" Hikari suddenly gasped, as she noticed a bright white bandage where Asuka's wedding ring had been just yesterday. "W-what happened with your finger?"  
  
"Oh that?" Asuka shrugged. "Just something I should have done much earlier."  
  
"Don't tell me you really cut...?!"  
  
"Of course not..." the redhead explained. "I just covered the bane from curious eyes! Still better they think I'm hurt than... that..."  
  
"Aren't you a bit... what was it called...?" Hikari tapped her chin. "Paranoid?"  
  
"Paranoid? Paranoid?! Me?" Asuka shook her head wildly. "Nonono, I'm not paranoid. This is a long trained instinct. Someone like me, who is constantly followed by so many perverts, learns to notice if someone is watching you." Asuka eyed slightly over her shoulder. Several students were on the yard, but in the direction she looked were only two empty benches, a small trash can, some trees... and a particular group of three boys. "And I'm sure they're staring at us!"  
  
"It doesn't seem so," the class rep mused. "They were always just talking, when I loo... eh..." She trailed of, lowering her head to hide her reddening cheeks.  
  
Fortunately for Hikari, Asuka seemed to ignore her anyway, fuming in anger. "I'm sure of it! At least two pairs of eyes keep resting on me! I would bet..." She cut herself off mid-sentence, as her view fell on the white bandage around her finger. "No, rather no more bets for a while..."  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
"Let's see... those two would be Toji Suzuhara and Hikari Horaki, respectively best friends of Mr. and Mrs. Ikari..."  
  
"I don't even want to know where you had these files up here all the time..."  
  
"A good marriage counselor is prepared for everything!"  
  
"I said: I don't want to know! This gives me enough headache as it is..."  
  
"Now, let me check their timetable..."  
  
"Their timetable? Geez, you really don't leave _anything_ to chance, do you?"  
  
"Phht. Chance and destiny are much too lazy in my opinion. Things go much faster when you take them in your own hands."  
  
"Whoa! That almost sounded much too serious for this f... eh... situation."  
  
Saori ignored his remark. "Ah, very good, they have PE soon," she exclaimed, after scanning the timetable. "Listen, once they start changing, you'll go down, hide somewhere and once they're on the sports field, you'll sneak into the boys' locker room and put the letter to the clothes of that boy!"  
  
"What? Why should I do that?"  
  
"Well, someone has to keep an eye on the Ikaris..."  
  
' _For whatever reason..._ ' Hiroya mentally added.  
  
"...and I really _can't_ go into a _boys'_ locker room, can I?"  
  
"Why not just put it in his locker?" he inquired. "That would be much easier anyway. And how am I supposed to know what his stuff is?"  
  
"You will know when the time comes..."  
  
Hiroya sighed. As lawyer, he just didn't get paid enough for this...  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
No one was in sight. The floor was clear. And he had an urge to whistle a song from some spy-movie. Just like it was supposed to be – right?  
  
Hiroya shook his head in disbelieve. He was actually 'infiltrating' a school! To deliver love-letters!  
  
If he would have known that several years ago, he wouldn't have wasted all the time in his small, lonely room to study law – he would have taken a job as mailman instead.  
  
' _Now, where is that locker room, so I can get over with this?_ ' he wondered. ' _Wait, haven't I been in this corridor already?_ '  
  
He stopped abruptly. He couldn't be lost in a school, could he? Not again...  
  
' _DAMN! Why does everything in a public building always have to look the same?!_ '  
  
Fortunately, a good lawyer always went prepared to a mission!  
  
Well, actually it had been Saori who gave him the map that he now unfolded.  
  
' _Now let's see... I came from that corner, so when I go to the end of this corridor, the stairs up one floor and then to the left..._ '  
  
Studying the map while walking, he forgot the most important lesson for studying maps while walking: Don't do it!  
  
It took not even half a minute until he bumped into something rather big. Startled, Hiroya dropped the paper.  
  
"Oh, eh, sorry," he quickly excused to the blue-haired girl in front of him, who seemed strangely unaffected.  
  
To be exact, she seemed to completely ignore him and continued to load plates from the racks at the wall onto the trolley before her, the moment she had regained her balance.  
  
"Uhm... excuse me?"  
  
Finally he got her attention, as she turned her red eyes at him and awaited his question with a blank stare.  
  
' _Kids these days,_ ' he thought shuddering. ' _Starting earlier and earlier._ '  
"Uh... Am I near the changing rooms or where...?"  
  
"This is the cafeteria," the girl said with an equally blank voice. "The changing rooms are located on the floor below. But I would advise you to stay away from there. Ikari is known for her... radical acts against males who watch her and her classmates while they are changing their clothes."  
  
' " _Ikari", "her"? Must be "our" Mrs Ikari..._ ' Hiroya sighed inwardly.  
"Oh, don't worry, I'm a bit old to peek on teenagers, don't you think?"  
  
"The janitor was even older than you. It did not save him from his fate, though."  
  
' _An old, perverted janitor peeking on teens? Has the world become one big cliché?_ '  
"Ehm, well, okay, I'll... just be going then..." he stammered and tried to sneak away.  
  
"Mr Matsura," the creepy girl spoke up, causing him to stop. "May I ask for your assistance?"  
  
"Y-you know my name?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But how?"  
  
"I read it."  
  
Hiroya grimaced, far from being satisfied with her answer, as he stared at the girl who still loaded the small wagon. "You're not talking very much, do you?"  
  
"No."  
  
He sighed in defeat. "Well, what can I do for you then?" he asked in hope that it wouldn't take too much time or work.  
  
"I am not able to reach the dishes in the upper shelf and it would consume more time if I would have to search for a proper object to step on for compensating my lack of size."  
  
"A simple 'Could you get me those?' would have been sufficient," the lawyer mumbled under his breath, as he cleaned the highest row from the plates. "What do you need all this for anyway?"  
  
"I am planning to perform a German wedding tradition called 'Polterabend' for Ikari and... Ikari."  
  
"Polterabend?" Hiroya scratched his head while trying to remember what he knew about wedding traditions – which he mostly was told (or rather pestered) about by a certain counselor. "Doesn't that take place at _the evening_ **_before_** the wedding?" he asked bewildered, but she seemed to ignore his objection. "Besides, this stuff is made of plastic. Isn't the point of the Polterabend to smash the stuff?"  
  
"I am not allowed to destroy properties of the school."  
  
"Oh, whatever," he shrugged, as he put the last plates on one of the by now quite high and dangerously swaying stacks. "But I'm afraid I really have to go now." Not wanting to stay longer than necessary with the freaky girl, Hiroya rushed to the nearest exit of the cafeteria. But then he turned around a last time and raised his finger. "And remember: Drugs – are – bad!"  
  
Rei just stared after him, as he went.  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
Toji had been the most athletic student in his class since quite a long time. Some people said it was the only thing he was good in – and they might even be right with that. But at least he was usually still fit enough to jog quickly to the changing rooms, while all others could only slowly and wheezing crawl behind. And the sooner he got back, the more free time he had.  
  
Pondering what he could do with the few extra minutes, he suddenly bumped into a man hurrying away from the changing rooms.  
  
"Oh, not again," the stranger whined.  
  
"Sorry, Mister," Toji tried to his best to show some manners. "Didn't notice ya..."  
  
The guy didn't really seem to care though. "Ah, it's okay. I'm just in a hurry," he explained and was already continuing his way.  
  
At first Toji just wanted to shrug it off, but then a thought hit him. "Hey, you're not the new janitor are you?" he called after the man.  
  
The addressed one stopped abruptly and gave him a look that showed a mixture between questioning and the fear of the answer to that question. But after franticly shaking his head, he eventually hurried out of Toji's sight.  
  
After seeing him running away, the jock scratched his head. "I just wanted to know if he finally fixed the lights," he mumbled shrugging.  
  
As he finally entered the changing room, stumbling over someone's bag in the semi-dark, he noticed something odd on his place.  
  
There was a letter with his other stuff.  
  
This was strange, he didn't remember writing one. Or had his father told him to mail it and he had forgotten about that? No, this didn't seem like the usual letters his father wrote, so much he could see in the bit light the small window provided. At least Toji couldn't remember him drawing little hearts on them. Those made it seem rather like some misplaced love letter. But why would there be a small "to Toji" (encircled by even more hearts) written on it? The only other Toji he knew was this Tanaka of class 3-B, who was not only even more of a geek than Kensuke, but also so... full figured that he had been excused from PE, which made it unlikely that someone would mistake them.  
  
Finally he opened the envelope; squinting, to read the lines on the paper.  
  
[ _Dear Toji,  
For long I have been watching you in secret, always hoping you would notice me too. But my patience is not as everlasting as my passion for you; I cannot wait any longer to confess my feelings. So, please, meet me to a picnic under the big tree after school. There, I hope, we can build the foundation to a blissful future together.  
  
I'm waiting for you,  
Your Secret Admirer]_  
  
Toji didn't know what to think. A secret admirer? And she (given that it _was_ a 'she') wanted to meet him?  
  
...  
  
To a picnic?  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
Hiroya panted heavily as he reached the tree, glad that he was finally out of that hellhole. _'Labyrinths of corridors, freaky kids, and perverted – REALLY perverted janitors – Now I remember why I never liked public schools..._ '  
  
"You sure took your time!" was the 'friendly' greeting as he climbed back up to their hiding place in the tree's crown. "PE's already over and they're back changing again! Now I'll have to see how I get the message to that Horaki girl. Not even to think of preparing the romantic picnic."  
  
"Hey, it's not that easy to get through that maze in there; this was actually quite fast! Not to mention..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever!" Saori cut him off. "Now keep an eye at the second of the small windows to the left, while I go and do what I can to undo your sabotage of our bet!"  
  
"Sabotage? Bet?!?" Hiroya shook his head in disbelieve and put up his binoculars. He really didn't felt like arguing now, so he just did what he was told to. "So what is there behind that win..." He trailed off, his eyes widening, as he realized the nature of the appointed 'target'. "The girls' changing room?!?"  
  
The shock of this revelation let him loose his balance, causing him to slip backwards from the branch. In panic, he barely managed to catch it with his feet, hanging head downwards like a bat – a bat that was afraid of heights. Hiroya could merely suppress a scream as he saw his binocular slip out of his hand and take its way, hundreds of meters (actually it had been not even four), down.  
  
"PULL ME UP! PULL ME UP!"  
  
"You've lost my binoculars!"  
  
"CAN WE DISCUSS THIS LATER? THIS IS NOT A PLACE I LIKE TO 'HANG AROUND', YOU KNOW??"  
  
"But maybe they're broken now! Do you now how expensive these things of such quality are?"  
  
"I BUY YOU A NEW ONE! TWO! AS MANY AS YOU WANT! JUST PULL ME UP!"  
  
"Alright, alright," Saori agreed angrily and reached down to get a hold of his hand. "But be quiet now! It's a wonder that obviously nobody noticed your screaming yet!"  
  
***********  
  
One could say about Toji what he want, but if there was something you could rely on, then that he was always on time. At least as long food was involved.  
  
So, he chose just that moment to show up to the appointed place under the big tree. Obviously he was too early; his secret admirer was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Geez, I hope she didn't have problems with the picnic," he sighed, leaning against the tree. "The PE got me hungry..."  
  
Letting his view wandering around in boredom, it didn't take long until it fell on a black, shiny object in the grass.  
  
"Who lets such a fine binocular lying around?" he wondered, as he picked it up.  
  
...just as he heard a crack of knuckles behind him.  
  
He turned to be greeted a _very_ angry Asuka and a not much less angry bunch of other girls from his class.  
  
"I knew I felt someone peeking outside..."  
  
Toji shifted his view nervously between the binocular and the mob of girls. He gulped...  
  
  
  
////////////////////////////////  
  
  
  
"Oh, yes, I remember now..." Toji groaned. "After they've beaten me up, they've bound my arm and leg to the flagpole, raised me to its top and watched my head banging against it in the wind." He turned his head and smiled at the girl besides him. "But you, you believe me, don't you?"  
  
"Actually..." Hikari whispered, casting her view down for a second.  
  
' _Is she trying to hide a blush? How cute..._ '  
  
"I'M JUST HERE TO TELL YOU PERVERT THAT YOU'RE ON DUTY FOR THE NEXT TWO MONTHS!!"  
  
  
  
Outside, two people watched the scene unfolding inside the hospital room.  
  
"Well, I guess I've won..."  
  
"You cheated..." Saori muttered annoyed.  
  
"Hey, I was just doing my job until you..." Hiroya trailed off. Job? Wasn't there something...? "By the way, why exactly are we watching these two instead of the Ikaris...?"  
  
Saori didn't answer immediately; she just kept her binoculars focused on the hospital room. "You cheated..."  
  
Hiroya just sighed...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 **!Omake!** (Not really, but this scene wouldn't have fit very well if I had put it in directly)  
  
  
  
"Geez, baka! What are you waiting for?" Asuka called to the boy who was running to catch up with her. "If you don't hurry up we'll be too late for our next counseling session!"  
  
"It wasn't my fault that I had to clean up instead of Toji. If you girls wouldn't have been that hard to him, I would have been long ready..."  
  
"He got what he deserved! Right?" she asked Hikari for affirmation, who nodded in synch with her.  
  
"Well, it sure was a good show when they chased him around the school," Kensuke admitted, patting his camera. "This will get me a Number 1-spot in the 'funniest video'-rankings..."  
  
"Hm, I remember asking Hikari to wait with me for a while, but... What the hell are you still doing here?" Asuka hissed at him.  
  
"Oh, since I can't go to the arcade with Toji, I thought I could get some funny clips of you two at your counseling session..:"  
  
The redheaded fury seemed ready to break his neck. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDD..."  
  
She was abruptly cut off, when a trolley was suddenly pushed in their way.  
  
"I see that Suzuhara is not able to attend," Rei spoke up before anyone else found their voice again at the sight of about every single plate and cup the school had, piled to huge stacks on the small wagon. "That is unfortunate, as the friends' presence is preferable. But it will be sufficient."  
  
"Uh... What...?"  
  
The question was silenced in the rumble of the clashing dishes on the ground, as the piles finally gave in to the gravity when Rei gave them a little push with her finger.  
  
Everyone else stared unbelieving at the mess on the ground.  
  
"The two of you will have to scavenge the broken pieces together to symbolize a good collaboration between you in the future," Rei instructed, holding two brooms to the couple, who seemed too baffled to care about taking them.  
  
After a few seconds Shinji finally found his voice again. "Eh... Ayanami? There's nothing broken... Wouldn't it be much easier just to pick it up?"  
  
Rei didn't reply. Instead she just intensified her stare and stood still.  
  
"Aah... Just do it already!" Asuka eventually snapped, snatched on of the brooms and pushed it in Shinji's hand. "The First is obviously not letting us through till this mess is cleaned up, so hurry up that we can go!"  
  
"B-but I thought, we're supposed to do that togeth..." Before he could finish the sentence, the second broom made a painful contact with his head. "Ouch!"  
  
"Oh, you want me to help you?" a maliciously smirking Asuka asked with a bitter-sweet voice from its other end.  
  
"Eh... M-maybe not!" Shinji exclaimed, starting to panic, and began quickly to shove the scrambled dishes to a heap. "I-I can do this alone!"  
  
"Oh no, no, no..." Asuka shook her head. "As a good wife, I should help you when- and wherever I can..."  
*SMACK*  
"MOVE!!"  
  
"AH! I am! I am!"  
  
*WHACK*  
  
"FASTER!"  
  
Kensuke just sighed, as he watched with the other two how Shinji whirled over the area, who received a 'nice little reminder to hurry up' every few seconds. "Oh man, and I don't have any battery for my camera left..."  
Hikari just shook her head in disbelieve. "They _really_ act like a married couple..."  
Rei just smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yeah, yeah, I know it sucks. Sorry, but even though it took me who-knows-how-long, this crappy chapter is all I can offer now. Geez, I don't think I ever had to force a chapter out like this one. I actually had some parts finished right after the last one, but then a huge writer's block hit me and never really let go.  
>   
> This chapter also marks the final turning point away from the original concept (which I actually barely remember anymore). Originally, it was supposed to go on as usual, with Angel-fight and Toji being the Fourth Children (with the difference that Asuka didn't have time to visit Kaji, so she wouldn't know the identity either, couldn't try to tell Shinji, just the moment she was attacked, thus wasn't taken by surprise by Bardiel, etc.). But as I said before, that wouldn't really fit the established mood, so it got reduced to a little (and granted, not very original) wink to our SI friends.  
>   
> I don't know for sure that the "Polterabend" is a German-only tradition, but since I couldn't find a proper English equivalent to it, I kept the German term in this case. Don't hesitate to correct me if I'm wrong. I'm most likely not going to change it anytime soon, but at least you have the satisfaction of making me look even more stupid than I already am.  
>   
> Oh, and of course Toji doesn't just think with his stomach. But some sacrifices had to be done that I could move on with the chapter... :P  
>   
> No pre-readers this time either, I'm just happy that I got this thing finally out of my system.  
>   
> Well, that's all I can think of now. Let's have a little...  
>   
>  **AO3 release notes:**  
>  Well, here was the Omake that you now see above. Thank God I didn't do much of those in my fics, it's a bit awkward having to shift them around. I mean, sure, I could just leave the notes in the text and have it go as normal - which I'll probably have to do for later T2t chapters anyway, but until then... there's a specific box for notes at the end, so I'm gonna use it.


	6. Of Super Gendos, Rivals and Roommates

**The Ikaris**  
  
 **Chapter 6: Of Super Gendos, Rivals and Roommates**  
  
  
It was a relatively quite evening in the Katsuragi apartment (at least since a certain inhabitant married another one). But everyone who lived within a range of a hundred meters knew better than to raise their hopes of finally getting a raise of the land prices again too early.  
  
And they were proved right when a high-pitched scream emitted from the complex as Shinji ran past the baffled Misato from the living room into his own.  
  
Just having returned from work, barely having time to down her first beer, the wondering Major was about to ask him what was wrong, but seeing him trembling on his bed, clutching his pillow with a panic look on his face, she knew that she wouldn't get much out of him.  
Besides, there was only one possible answer.  
  
"Asuka?" she sternly called her second charge.  
  
"What?"  
  
To Misato's surprise, the annoyed answer came from behind her; the opposite direction from where Shinji had run. As she turned around, she indeed found Asuka coming from the kitchen with a can of soda in her hand; wet hair and the towel on her shoulders making it apparent that she had been in the bathroom.  
  
"If it wasn't you, then...?" She quickly stepped into the living room, where the TV was still running; PenPen still watching intrigued. A quite catchy song played while various scenes were flashing that seemed to feature EVAs, Angels, some NERV personnel, but most prominently a somehow much less intimating Gendo Ikari. Most likely because it wasn't _really_ him.  
  
"They made a cartoon out of us?" Asuka asked surprised as she sat herself on the floor in front of it.  
  
"Anime," Misato corrected, sitting down herself, cross-legged on a cushion behind Asuka. "It's Anime in Japan."  
  
"Whatever. Silly animated drawings are silly animated drawings. Why didn't they made a life action series? I wouldn't have a problem to... a-hem... sacrifice myself to become a sta... I mean, to play my role."  
  
"Shh! It's starting!" Misato shooed with a grin, her eyes fixed on the screen. "I've got to see this!"  
  
And indeed, a brightly-colored screen displayed the title, and for those who couldn't read and haven't heard it plenty of times during the opening song, an announcer said in a quirky voice:  
["It's time for 'The Super Gendo Super Show!'"]  
  
"Super...?"  
  
[The scene started rather unspectacular, at least for anyone who didn't know that Gendo Ikari usually didn't stroll down the corridors of NERV, whistling a catchy tune (sounding a lot like the main theme).]  
  
"That's supposed to be the introduction?" Asuka complained, already bored. "They should have used something huge that gets the viewers attention, like an Angel Attack, me beating it up..."  
  
"Probably did; before the opening," Misato mused. "Back in the day, openings where actually at the beginning, but nowadays you sometimes don't get to see the title screen until halfway through the episode..."  
  
["Hello, my beloved son," Gendo greeted an animated Shinji that passed his way. Obviously the producers of the show thought it would be better to avoid the topic that the "hero" hadn't taken care of his son most of his life. "How's it going in your marriage?"]  
  
The redhead's head jerked up at that word.  
  
["Oh, I don't know, Pa..." Shinji said in an extremely whiny voice. "She's just like always. I don't know why she married me at all. She doesn't really seem to like me after all..."]  
  
Asuka's right eye twitched in tension.  
  
["Don't worry," Gendo chuckled heartily, ruffling his son's hair. "Everyone knows she's just acting the 'tough girl'."]  
  
"Acting?" came an angry breath from the real 'tough girl'.  
  
["I'm sure you and the Second Children will have many blissful years together."]  
  
Asuka's eyes bulged out and her whole body stiffened in shock, crushing the can she was holding, not caring about its contents that poured out and over her hand. "The-they're spreading **that** over THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY?!" she screamed at the screen, unable to hold back any longer.  
  
[As if on cue, a certain redhead girl (or rather her animated counterpart) in a similar red plugsuit made her entrance.  
  
"Are you talking about me?" she said in an overly snotty voice.]  
  
The sound of grinding teeth filled the apartment.  
  
["Well, of course you were," the drawn redhead continued, waving her hair around. "What else is there to talk about but me?"  
  
"H-hey, Asuka..." Shinji greeted her shyly.  
  
"Hello, my daughter in law. We were indeed talking about you," Gendo confirmed, still with that extreme friendliness. He actually sounded like he was – teasing? "In fact, I just told him that you must actually love him very much to marry him so early in your life."  
  
"Pa!" an embarrassed Shinji winced.  
  
"Pht!" Asuka huffed, turning away from them towards the camera. "I-I just married him, 'cause he tricked me!"]  
  
"What the hell is with that blushing and stuttering? I'd never do that!" the real Asuka protested, pointing at the screen. "They're portraying me as if I would just pretend not to like him and secretly be all over him! That's so... so... ridiculous!"  
  
"Oh, I think they matched the shade of red quite well."  
  
"Why do I have the feeling you have something to do with that?" Asuka snarled through gritted teeth, shooting her guardian a patented glare of death.  
  
"Well, they came to NERV recently and asked around for help with the characterizations, so..."  
  
["Major Katsuragi! Come quickly! We have an Angel sighting!" an apparently faceless tech shouted, the scene having shifted to the command center.  
  
A groan was heard, before a figure with messy purple hair and dark circles under her eyes stepped tiredly into the picture, holding her head with one hand. "Yes, yes, I'm already here. You don't have to shout this loud, I'm still having a hangover from yesterday. Or was it this morning? Ah, I can't think like this. Does anyone have a beer for me?"]  
  
A shower of said brewage rained down near Misato, followed by the can she had just taken a mouthful from (and later leaving Shinji with the problem to get the mess out of the carpet again) as she looked gawking at her TV-self.  
  
"Well, at least one character is right on spot," Asuka grinned at her revenge.  
  
The Major quickly snapped out of her trance, but her amusement was also replaced by a childish competitiveness. "Yes, and that's you."  
  
"No, you!"  
  
PenPen shook his head and let out a low "Waa..." which was his penguin equivalent to a sigh.  
  
"You!"  
  
"YOU!"  
  
"Hey, look, there's Unit-02!"  
  
[Indeed, there were the surprisingly accurate forms of EVA-02 and the other two Evangelions, facing the "Angel" – which looked like a flying blob with two tiny wings.  
  
"Okay, I'm gonna take it down!" Anime-Asuka declared in her entry plug, but a small window popped up at her side, showing her husband.  
  
"Uh, honey, w-wouldn't it be better to analyze the situation first?"  
  
"Aww, alright, alright," Asuka said with a pout. "Rei, hurry up!"  
  
"Command acknowledged, processing..." The scene shifted to the cockpit of the blue haired... girl?]  
  
"Huh? What's with those joints?" Misato wondered, cocking her head at the screen in synch with (real-)Asuka.  
  
"And those eyes..." the redhead concurred, for instead of merely shining crimson, "Rei"'s pupils were filled with numbers and code rushing by for several seconds.  
  
["Insufficient data," Rei reported with an odd mechanical sound. "Scanner unable to see past AT Field."]  
  
"Ha," Asuka laughed on her cushion. "I've always said she's a doll, but that...!"  
  
"She's not a doll, she's..."  
  
"If you're going to say 'action figure', I'm going to make sure that you won't enjoy your next beer!"  
  
"I was going to say 'robot'," a peeved Misato grumbled. "I guess they misunderstood a few things they were told about her..."  
  
[But all inconsistencies were forgiven (for the moment) when the surprisingly well-done action started. Not unlike the tenth Angel, the "blob" was able to use little parts of itself to shoot at its enemies and on top of that sprout as many fists wherever it liked, giving the EVAs also a hard time close-range.]  
  
Especially Asuka got quickly engrossed in the battle, cheering "herself" on, throwing her fists around enough to scare any imaginary Angel away (probably hiding behind the stereo and the plant).  
  
[THEN!  
  
The music changed into a dramatic piece as a large glob of the blob came flying at EVA-02, that was unable to react in time as Anime-Asuka was just recovering from an earlier hit. But in the last second that got drawn out for ten, EVA-01 pushed its red companion out of the way – only to be hit itself right in the chest.  
  
The purple unit didn't fall over from the impact though – the pink substance wrapped itself around the Evangelion before its master called it back. Stuck into it, Unit-01 flew right at the Angel – which awaited it with the two biggest fists it had formed so far (in fact it now pretty much consisted entirely of two large fists – with a little wing each) .]  
  
A single blow was enough to slam the EVA in the ground, eliciting a shocked gasp from both Asukas, much to the Major's amusement.  
  
["Pilot doesn't answer!" the voice of an unnamed techie announced. "EVA-01 is silent!"  
The Angel however didn't stop its assault and pounded with its fists onto the helpless EVA.  
"It's going to kill him!"  
"No!"] both Asukas shouted, though rather unconsciously by the real one, as she didn't even tried to save her grace by adding something like "I mean... That's your chance to kick this Angel's butt all by yourself!"  
  
[That was just what she did anyway – or at least tried.  
  
She stormed at the Angel, her battle-cry revealing her agony and anger, making it obvious to everyone hearing her how much she actually felt for the fallen boy she sought to avenge. She would defeat the Angel, rip it apart, equaling the pain her husband must feel and hers, shouldn't he feel anything at all anymore.  
  
That is, if the Angel wouldn't just have slapped the advancing EVA rather comically away with a backhand, sending it flying.]  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Asuka yelled, jumping to her feet as "her" EVA remained on the ground, right leg twitching in the air. "Don't tell me that was all! You're supposed to do that to that bastard, not the other way round!"  
  
"Geez, Asuka!" Misato actually sounded stern for once. "It's not the TV's fault!" she reminded the redhead, who had her hands already at the sides of the screen, about to shake the device in rage.  
  
"But they made me...!"  
  
"Lose, I know, I've seen it," the Major groaned. "It's not like you're the only one..."  
  
[Indeed, EVA-00 was just going down as well, what Rei commented without fazing. "Heavy damage in vital systems. Unable to reestablish connection to the left leg."]  
  
"Certainly not, with that thing being a mashed up pulp a couple of miles away..."  
  
["This isn't good," Fuyutsuki analyzed the obvious from his place in the Command Center.  
  
"Indeed," Gendo muttered, raising up from his chair with determination, "I fear it's time to take matters into my hands!"  
  
And with that (and a catchy "time to shine"-tune kicking in), he held his arms out to call:  
  
"Evangelions! Lend me your power!"  
  
And outside, the beaten Units reacted. One by one, they slowly managed to heave their heavy arms up. The cores inside them started to sparkle, before a rainbow-flashing beam shot up from each to the sky, meeting in the middle, then shooting back down as one, searching its way through the earth to the NERV pyramid, to the Command Center, right at Gendo Ikari, awaiting the energy with open arms.  
  
"SUPER GENDO HYPER MODE!!"  
  
Bathing in the light, he twisted and turned, suddenly starting to grow until he reached EVA-like proportions – which fortunately didn't prove to be a problem, as he had magically been transported to the surface already, facing the Angel.  
  
"Halt there, Evil-doer!" he yelled, pointing his finger accusingly.  
  
Surprisingly enough, the Angel suddenly proved to be able to talk as well – and just as melodramatic.  
  
"Hur hur!" It laughed with a guttural voice. "I was wondering when you'd show up! I need a challenge after these wimps! I hope you'll prove to be one as it's said!"  
  
"Don't you dare insulting these brave children! They might not be as strong as me, but they are doing the best they can! You might exceed them in strength, but never in heart!"  
  
"Hur hur, listen to yourself! Angry that I hurt your son?"  
  
"As well as his wife and friend!"  
  
"I am unharmed..." a third voice echoed over the field. A quick zoom to EVA-00 revealed Rei standing on the chest of the fallen mammoth, an unusual angry look in her eyes. In a sudden motion, she stretched her right arm out.  
  
"Ayanami Model Rei Mk II, entering battle mode!"  
  
But before that could happen, Gendo interrupted her. "No, I will take care of this on my own! Be prepared, evil-doer!"  
  
"Have been for long!"]  
  
What followed was one of the most intense and at the same time most ridiculous battles the two beauties ever witnessed. [After all, it was (the animated version of) their commanding officer that jumped around, quickly getting the Angel into a defense position with furious kicks. That didn't mean it was all over for the hideous monster already though.  
  
Glowing fists were exchanged and blocked from both sides (for some reason, the Angel had stopped sprouting more hands, which probably would have ended the fight much faster. But then again, the two opponents moved so fast that it probably didn't really matter...) Sparks went flying with each hit (however that was possible with neither of the two being made out of metal or similar), shockwaves plowed through the earth.  
  
They parted and clashed again, over and over, but it wasn't until Gendo drew the "holy prog sword" out of thin air and embedded it deep into the Angel's core (why he or the EVAs couldn't do that before probably remains a mystery too...)  
  
"This is impossible!" the Angel screeched in its death fight. "No one was ever able to withstand my power!"  
  
"It is the punishment for your evil deeds! In the name of the EVA, I have slain you!" Gendo declared. "Now, be gone!"  
  
And it was, exploding in flashy fireworks.  
  
Shrinking back to his normal size, Gendo was immediately surrounded by the pilots, Shinji and Asuka apparently already having recovered too, and having run towards this place from miles away, knowing exactly where to go.  
  
"You did it, Pa!" Shinji yelled.  
  
"I wish I was that good!" Asuka complimented.  
  
"Efficient as always," Rei noted.  
  
"Now, now," Gendo laughed, not even panting heavily anymore. "I'm sure if you train hard and believe in yourself, you'll easily be able to do the same as me."  
  
"But I don't wanna grow a beard," Shinji said pouting to everyone's laughter.  
  
"Oh Shinji," "Asuka" commented in between.]  
  
"WHAT-THE-HELL?!" Asuka(!) commented as the screen faded to make place for the credits. The absurdity of the last minutes had baffled both of them into silence until now.  
  
"Yeah, that beard-joke wasn't funny at all. And why didn't they show Rei's battle mode? Such teases!"  
  
"That was not exactly what I meant..." Asuka muttered deadpanning.  
  
  
*********  
  
  
"Shinji?" Misato asked again as she knocked on the boy's door. "Shinji, come out already! The show's over!"  
  
"R-really?" came a muffled reply from the other side.  
  
The woman's tired sigh elicited a snicker from the redhead next to her. "Well, I'm not the one married to him," she muttered lowly at Asuka, causing her to choke on her laughter instantly. "Yes, Shinji, really."  
  
"O-okay..." the boy answered, and the door slid open ever so slowly to reveal his fidgeting form.  
  
Just then, the doorbell rang.  
  
"Waaaah!" Shinji jumped in shock and would have retreated back into his room if it weren't for Misato's hand shooting forward to grab his arm. "Let me go! What if it's him?!"  
  
Despite being trained in several suspension techniques, the Major had major trouble keeping the teen from possibly hurting himself as he flailed his arms around in panic, trying to get away. "Damn it, keep still! And Asuka, instead of laughing your ass off you could get the door!"  
  
"No!" Shinji shrieked. "Misato! Let me go first! What if he's just like there?! So... friendly and cheery and... positive! That's just not normal!!"  
  
"Geez, that's it?" Asuka rolled her eyes. "Just when I thought you couldn't hurt my reputation any more..."  
  
"Asuka, the door!" Misato reminded.  
  
"Yes, yes," the redhead groaned and finally went for the front door. Hitting the button to open it, she was faced with two familiar faces. "Oh, it's you..."  
  
"Yes. We're not too late, are we?"  
  
"Late?"  
  
"Yes, Mrs. Ikari," Saori reminded as she walked in without waiting for admission. "We had an appointment for an inspection of the living conditions."  
  
Asuka stared after her, even forgetting to react on the name for the moment. "We did...?"  
  
"To be honest," Hiroya whispered, bending down to her as he sheepishly followed in, "I didn't know about this either until she called me and asked what was taking me so long..."  
  
"See?" the children's guardian told the finally calming Shinji she was keeping in a headlock. "It's not him, it's... ehm..."  
  
"Saori Tagawa, marriage counselor. And that lawyer guy," the young brunette introduced herself and, with a nudge of her head, her companion. "I believe we didn't have the pleasure of meeting before, Ms...?"  
  
"Uh... Katsuragi. Misato Katsuragi."  
  
"Misato? Misato..." Saori repeated as if searching her mind. But then her eyes narrowed at the sight of the (by now heavily blushing) head of Shinji that was still trapped under Misato's arm – and well cushioned. "Ah yes, the rival..."  
  
"Rival?" Misato repeated, raising an eyebrow.  
  
But the brunette counselor continued counting the facts without taking further notice of her. "Luring him to the city with a questionable picture, inviting him into her home with questionable intentions, getting him into many questionable..." she glanced disapprovingly at the 'cushioned' boy, "...compromising situations..."  
  
"Questionable...?" the Major wondered. "Was it also questionable with Asu-...?"  
  
Saori, however, didn't even pretend to listen to any reasoning. "The spouses sharing their home with a rival; now this is a state we can't possibly permit!" she firmly cut the Major off. "I'm afraid I have to demand that you move out within the next 24 hours."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
Shinji's body hit the floor as Misato let go of him in shock.  
  
While the boy tried to get up, gasping for air, Hiroya leaned over to Saori. "I'm afraid we do not have the right to kick someone out of their own apartment," he mumbled, but loud enough for Misato to hear.  
  
"See? Even your lawyer friend there agrees with me!"  
  
"Oh, I may not have this kind of authority by the Japanese law," Saori said calmly and handed her a letter. "But I got the permission of your 'Commander' to do everything in this matter I deem necessary."  
  
Misato unbelievingly unfolded the paper. All it read was, in big, bold letters that were all across the sheet: "Do what she says!"  
  
"Damn, that's official alright," she hissed silently. "But..."  
  
"I'm sorry, but your presence here is disturbing the bonding process. A rival, especially a... 'well endowed' one like you would distract Mr. Ikari too much from getting closer to his wife again. The risk is too high that you will try to seduce him in this critical state of their relationship. Just him gawking at you instead of his wife could already cause an otherwise preventable conflict."  
  
"Why does everyone see me as potential abuser of a 14 year old? I'm not _that_ desperate!" Misato protested.  
  
"Why does everyone think I'd rather look at her than..." Shinji trailed off as he felt the glares of the two women on either of his sides on him. "I mean, yes, she has... eh... never mind..."  
  
"Why does everyone think I would care if he'd stare at other girls?" Now Asuka was instantly met by the knowing looks from every other person in the room. "Well, yeah, but I'm just doing that 'cause he's a pervert!" she hastily defended herself.  
  
"Anyway," Saori redirected the attention to herself, "I think I made my point. I'll keep the counseling on hold until this living arrangement is settled; in other words: The two of them living together with only each other."  
  
"But they're still kids. They need someone to watch over them," Misato tried to argument once more, immediately silencing Asuka with a gesture of her hand, before she would start another "I'm not a kid"-tirade.  
  
However her pleas didn't even scratch Saori's professional exterior. "As far as I've learned, you are trusting your lives on them. I guess it wouldn't be too much to ask to trust their own lives on them as well. Your organization doesn't seem to have any problems with the living conditions of that other, blue-haired youngster. And she's surviving pretty well regarding that she's living in that dump."  
  
"How do you know all that?"  
  
An aura of eeriness suddenly seemed to surround the councilor as a creepy smirk spread across her face. "A good marriage councilor knows everything..." For some reason her voice had sounded a little deeper than usual as she said that. But as suddenly as it came, it vanished again. "... About her clients."  
  
The short didn't manage to distract Misato from her more than sudden eviction for long, however. "But... but... where am I even supposed to go? Kaji's still who-knows-where."  
  
"Don't you have his keys?" Asuka said, half sneering.  
  
"Not since I lost them..." Misato sighed. "For the third time..." she added mumbling.  
  
"Then what about Dr. Akagi?" Shinji proposed.  
  
"Ha! The original reason she started to get cats was because she knows I'm allergic to them."  
  
"A hotel?" he suggested then.  
  
"Not with my current financial situation."  
  
"Most of this building is empty," Asuka huffed. "Can't you just go to another apartment?"  
  
"What part of 'not with my current financial situation' did you not understand?"  
  
"Besides, I won't permit her anywhere close to this building," Saori interjected.  
  
"Uhm..." Shinji was thinking, "can't you get an apartment at NERV?"  
  
"Have you ever seen these coffins? I have my reasons that I got me this place."  
  
"But... isn't there anyone you could live with?" he wondered. "What about Lt. Hyuga?"  
  
"He'd probably pass out from the lone thought of me 'sleeping with him'."  
  
"Lt. Aoba?"  
  
"He's living in an old van for Christ's sake!" Misato snapped for a second. "Freaking Hippy/Military freak-crossbread. Stupid scientists with their stupid 'combined opposites make the ultimate being'-theory."  
  
Asuka groaned. "Lt. Ibuki?"  
  
"Too nerdy."  
  
"Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki?"  
  
"Too old."  
  
"The Commander?"  
  
Shinji shuddered and Misato agreed. "Ugh! Rather Fuyutsuki."  
  
"Geez!" Asuka yelled. "Isn't there ONE frikkin person you could move in with?!"  
  
"Um, well, there's..."  
  
  
*********  
  
  
"Maybe the NERV apartments were a better idea after all..." mumbled a shocked Misato at the sight of the desolate rooms. She had heard the stories, but seeing it was a whole other one.  
  
"I have never been averse to live in this place," Rei stated calmly.  
  
' _Big surprise..._ ' Misato rolled her eyes. "Oh, it's not too bad I guess..." – ' _Though not even my student flat at its worst times looked as shabby,_ ' she mentally added.  
  
Rei narrowed her eyes as she looked at her commanding officer, who had "suggested" to move in. "If you do not wish to live with me..."  
  
"Oh, really, it's okay," Misato quickly apologized, putting the hastily packed box with her most important belongings on the ground. "I'm sure the two of us will have lots of fun. We're gonna have a nice girl's party tonight and we'll... say where's your TV?"  
  
"I do not have a television set."  
  
Misato blinked. "A girl of your age without TV? What are you doing here to relax?"  
  
"Thinking."  
  
"Thinking? Too much thinking is not healthy for a girl of your age."  
  
Rei stared at her in an unusual "is she for real"-kind of way. But of course, she put it different: "I do not think that not thinking would be very practical..."  
  
"Well, if you think so..." Misato shrugged, making her way to the kitchen that only gave a slightly better sight than the bed-/living room. Not that she really cared, as she instantly went to the fridge in search for a much-needed liquid distraction, as she used up most of hers already on the way.  
  
But...  
  
"So much for a party," she muttered disappointed, before turning to Rei behind her. "Where's your beer?"  
  
"As far as I am aware, it is unusual for a girl of my age to have beer in her refrigerator."  
  
"You mean you drank all of it already?"  
  
"I was told it would be inappropriate for a girl of my age to consume alcoholics."  
  
"Pht. 'Inappropriate'. Didn't stop our honeymooners and look where it got them..." Misato muttered under her breath, trailing off as she realized: "...a fully paid apartment, all for them...", as she added grumbling.  
  
  
*********  
  
  
Meanwhile, in that fully paid apartment, it was about to get ugly again.  
  
"So, with that hindrance out of the way, let's get back to the sleeping conditions!" Saori stated, clapping her hands to gain attention after all the ruckus.  
  
"What about them?" Asuka spoke with a hint of dread in her voice.  
  
"'What about them?'" Saori repeated. "Sleeping in two different beds is bad enough, but sleeping in different rooms as well? I cannot tolerate that! So you, Mrs. Ikari, will move into your husband's room."  
  
"No way in hell I'm gonna-! Hey, that doesn't even make sense logistic-wise! My room is much bigger, and Misato's even more so! His is already too small for one – normal – person, let alone two!"  
  
"Exactly! I'm an avid follower of the "close proximity" theory: The closer a couple is, even and especially under forced conditions (thanks to the combination with the "same enemy"-focusing), the more they'll stick together."  
  
"Isn't it usually the other way round?" Shinji quietly asked Hiroya as they watched the two women "discuss" the matter. "I've heard couples tend to separate after spending a lot of time with each other..."  
  
"Phht!" Saori had apparently heard, however. "The 'lacking privacy'- or 'everything's been said'-excuses and the like are just that: excuses from couples who have forgotten about their love or never really had any and only got together for some other convenient reasons! People truly in love would want to be together every second, share everythi-"  
  
"But we're NOT 'truly in love'!" Asuka spat, interrupting the rambling counselor.  
  
"Says you. But I'm the expert here! And as such, I say you will sleep in your husband's room and I will take measures to ensure it!"  
  
Asuka eyed her thoroughly. "You're not gonna sleep here too, are you?"  
  
"Oh no, no, I don't have to..." Saori laughed in a diabolic way that send shivers down everyone's spines – Hiroya's because he kind of dreaded that she'd make _him_ stay there, being the overseer and all.  
  
The truth, however, was far worse – for a certain redhead, that is...  
  
  
*********  
  
  
"This GOT to be illegal!" Asuka grumbled for the n-th time.  
  
"Well, Mr. Matsura said there was nothing he could do about it," she heard Shinji replying tiredly from the futon below.  
  
Maybe it hadn't been the best idea to claim the bed. Not only it was too reminiscent of that one very bad morning – it just smelled too much like him...  
  
…  
  
And who on earth knew what he did in there all the time, thinking of her... and all...  
  
' _Focus on the problem at hand!_ ' she scolded herself. "Then he's the crappiest lawyer ever! Or it's this stupid country with it's stupid laws – our... 'situation' being the prime example! I mean, seriously, live camera observation and blaring alarm when one of us sets a foot outside the room at night?" Both still had ringing ears from when Asuka had tried to evade the detection devices that had been installed by the same quick workers who had also helped moving Misato's things earlier. "We're being held hostage in our own home!"  
  
Shinji muttered a reply as he seemingly drifted off to sleep after a long day, but she didn't quite caught it.  
  
"What?"  
  
But there was no longer a reply.  
  
Did he really say "It could be worse"?  
  
  
*********  
  
  
Meanwhile, two other roommates prepared for bed as well.  
  
That being Misato snuggling under the cover of her (already) unmade futon, as Rei exited the bathroom – instantly causing the Major's eyes to bulge out from surprise.  
  
Noticing the purple-haired woman staring at her, Rei eventually decided to ask. "Does my appearance bother you?"  
  
Misato shook her head free from the trance. "No, it's just... Why are you wearing that?"  
  
"I was not aware that I am expected to wear nothing to sleep."  
  
"That's not what I meant. But... _that_?" Misato pointed at the pink nightgown covered with white bunnies that Rei was wearing.  
  
"It is... comfortable to wear."  
  
"And what's with the plu..." Misato reached out for the gray, fuzzy object that Rei held by its arm, but was stopped by the pilot's cold stare.  
  
"You will – not – touch Mr. Fluffy-Bunny."  
  
  
*********  
  
  
Elsewhere, anther pair was not quite thinking of sleep yet. Only dim light illuminated the vast room where the two NERV Commanders observed a certain video footage.  
  
"It seems like the PR department did their job a little too well again," Fuyutsuki commented, standing behind Gendo as usual as they watched the monitor fading black.  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Shouldn't we... prohibit this?"  
  
Gendo's answer didn't come immediately. "As long as they are not showing our actual intentions and tactics, I don't see any reason for such action."  
  
Fuyutsuki smirked knowingly. "You didn't happen to have an influence on this?"  
  
The Commander just glanced at him.  
  
"Very well," the elder sighed. "I will see to it that it doesn't get out of hand... too much..."  
  
Just as he was almost out of the door of the huge office, he heard a low humming of the opening song of the show they've just seen. A smile formed on Kozo's lips as he shook his head. ' _Still a child at heart..._ '  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: ZOMG, NEW CHAPTER!!1 ... and what a mess it is. But then again, it's Ikaris, never supposed to be good, yadda yadda.... Well, it probably didn't help that I worked only now and then on this, making some parts of the chapter actually over three years old by now, even though the main ideas already stood.  
> The show was pretty much a natural continuation of the "Happy Gendo" product line, but what was intended as small little side-step went somewhat out of hand. While I liked those "mistakes" in authenticity and winks at TV-clichés, the whole thing got a bit out of proportion (sure, I could have put more work in the other parts... naaah...). I guess the (at least my) biggest problem with it is that I apparently haven't really gotten the hang of the whole MSTing thing. Maybe because I made up the story they comment on myself, but even then, the whole switching back between the commenting and the acting versions was a pain in the behind.  
>   
> I admit, the whole Saori kicking Misato out of her own apartment to live with Rei was also a pretty random and spontaneous (if you can still call it that after several years) idea, that might end me up in a corner. Not so much because I have ideas with Misato and/or Rei that would clash with this setup. No, I actually see myself more faced with the problem that now I'll _have_ to do more with this. While it's a relatively unexplored relationship and thanks to their contrasting characters, make a neat "odd couple", I was already struggling in this chapter. It might be partially because I just wanted to finally be over with this chapter, but that scene was significantly shorter than intended. In fact, that A/S scene in between was not even in the original plan, it just got in to "fill the hole", at least enough to get a proper pacing between the two shorter than intended  
> scenes.  
>   
> Anyway, don't expect the chapters to come in masses now. I can't even tell if the next one will be out faster or even longer then this one, all I can say is that Ikaris is still pretty low on my "To do"-list.  
>   
> And finally, thanks to Eric Blair for... well, at least helping some (sorry, shortened the "smile" _slightly_ )... XD  
>   
>   
>  **AO3 release notes:**  
>  Aaaand we're done... for now... maybe? Who knows? I certainly don't... >_>


End file.
